July 30, 2007
We went to the CN Tower today in Toronto -Guinness bills it at the "Tallest Free-standing tower in the World," measuring in at 1,815' 5". The Observation Deck (with the GL;ASS FLOORS) is 1,100 feet up, and the Sky Pod - the highest that mere mortals are allowed to go - is 1,465 feet off the ground. Woof.
July 29, 2007
So, the bugs and I are off to Canada today. I'm doing a seminar in Toronto so we're checking out the terrain. We're the jet-settin' Tuckerboys, all right... We'll be back on Wednesday, hopefully with some good stories and pictures. In the meantime, be careful out there!
The Simpsons Movie - Review
A great start, kinda sputtered in the middle for awhile, then rallied right near the end. Sort of a parable of marriage, really…
The
Simpsons Movie is essentially a four-episode miniseries. A kick-ass
“Itchy and Scratchy” beginning (capped by an excellent rip from Homer
regarding the intelligence of people who would pay money to a theater
to essentially watch a TV show), TSM moves into it’s ecological plot.
After convincing residents to stop polluting Lake Springfield, Homer
uses it to get rid of a silo-full load of pig doo. This prompts the
President (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and the head of the EPA (Albert
Brooks) to quarantine the entire city under a big plastic dome. The
Simpsons escape through a sinkhole in their back yard and move to
Alaska. After Marge sees a TV commercial and realizes Springfield is
going to be destroyed, she returns with the kids, leaving Homer to
decide between his personal well-being and that of the town and his
family.
There are some differences between TSM and the TV series:
1. Bart naked on a skateboard (yes, you do see the bits)
2. Homer flipping Springfield the bird (yes, you do see the bird)
3. Bart says the word “ass” (yes, you do see his ass. On the skateboard).
4. Marge swears. Once.
Some
laugh out loud moments, which is to be expected from Fox Broadcasting,
who provides such comedic fodder as Fox News and Bill O’Reilly. It sort
of puts that “eat my shorts” line in a whole new light.
July 28, 2007
We're going to see the Simpsons Movie today. I thought this might be apropos...
The Tao of Homer
Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems.
Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything!
That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex! It’s also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
America’s health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well…all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!
It’s like something out of that “twilighty” show about that zone.
Whenever Marge turns on one of her “non-violent” programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love…
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England!
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not even close!
Or what? You’ll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
You’re saying butt-kisser like it’s a bad thing!
Well, let’s just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, ‘Marge, if this doesn’t get your motor running, my name isn’t Homer J. Simpson.’
I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!
Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.
You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.
Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup - I’m eatin’ salad here!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie… “Spaceballs”. But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie “Police Academy”.
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!
I’m trying to fix your mother’s camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.
Here’s to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
God bless those pagans.
Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.
I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage!
We’ll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
We’re gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don’t want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster’s dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one’s garden.
Now, Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
You can’t go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain’t ketchup!
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”
I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun!
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!
July 26, 2007
What Would You Do?
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
July 26, 2007
- If there's a diving board, some man will try something both death-defying and completely idiotic.
- If you look around and don't see any other man doing these things, then the responsibility falls on you.
- Diving boards, while they might be fine for diving, should be used primarily for cannonballs or belly flops.
- A good cannonball is defined solely by the number of people it disturbs.
- Splash is everything.
- Very few people look good in a Speedo.
- You are not one of those people.
- Just because you’re having fun doesn't mean everyone else is.
- Women don't think it's funny if you grab their legs and pull them underwater.
- Even if no one admits it, someone has peed in the pool.
- Pool water is not for drinking, even if someone dares you to.
- You have to open your eyes underwater. It's a rule.
-
You might feel a slight tingling sensation with your eyes open
underwater. Don’t worry, it's just the pool chemicals eating away at
your eyeballs.
- Goggles are for babies and Olympic swimmers.
- You are not an Olympic swimmer.
July 25, 2007
We haven't gone boogie boarding for several days, and with the bugs enrolled in the drama class ("Fiddler on the Roof," no less... updates later), we probably won't be going until Saturday.
Update!: William cast as Tevye and Jack as Motel! Go, bugs!
Oh yeah, this isn't going to end well...
July 24, 2007
July 22, 2007
1. I know way too much about Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica and Firefly. I’ve been to Star Trek conventions, geeked out over meeting the actors, and once – a long time ago – I put on plastic Vulcan ears.
2.
My dad was a Pearl Harbor survivor. He was stationed on the USS
Maryland, which was the ship right next (inboard) to the USS Oklahoma,
which capsized.
3. I sang the National Anthem at not one, but
three Seattle Mariners games (and no, not in the stands with everybody
else, but out on the field with a microphone).
4. I practiced (and taught) martial arts when I lived in Oregon. I got to the rank of black belt, and then lost interest.
5.
I’m a private pilot. I’m not current now – I’d have to take a lesson
or two to get back in the groove… and I plan to any day now.
6.
I played trombone from 3rd Grade all the way through high school. I
put it down right after graduation and haven’t picked it up since.
7.
I was a paramedic in Washington State – started IV’s, zapped heart
attack victims with a defibrillator, and have delivered two babies.
8. I lived on Guam for two years.
9. I have a bachelor’s degree in theology.
July 21, 2007
A little crispy today... we went to the Santa Monica Borders last night (after driving back from San Diego) for the big Harry Potter bash. Since we were so late getting there, we were number 471 in line, and didn't get our copy of "HP and the Deathly Hallows" until after 1am. This is probably the last book the kids are going to let me read to them, so I'm milking it for all it's worth!
10. Noisy doors.
You
can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or
screeching at you. I go through buildings with automatic sliding doors
all the time and they're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!"
every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in
accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the
IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40.
9. The Federation.
This
organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs
everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh
sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a
Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump
truck feels about it?
And everyone has to wear those spandex
uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see
them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money
hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.
8. Reversing the Polarity.
For
cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might
work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it
on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every
time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta
go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the
toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi
thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
Between
Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing
trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode
whenever they put the juice to it.
7. Seatbelts.
Yeah,
I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an
explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's
head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we
might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent
that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that
for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor
lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over
your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look!
The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"
6. No fuses.
Every
time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and
consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less
operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing
the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the
nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's
shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few
chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of
a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me
sit down.
5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SciFi show on television, ever:
Star Trek:
Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."
Firefly:
Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"
4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?
3. Technobabble.
The
other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by
reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power
through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift
in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect
that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car.
Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice
Channel for free.
2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool
and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to
re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we
all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the
worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck
clean.
1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this?
Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth,
because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him
by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek
universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with
Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors
going WHEET! all day. It would be heck. At least until the Kaboom. The
Earth-shattering Kaboom.
July 20, 2007
Direct from the factory....
July 19, 2007
The bugs and I have been in San Diego since Wednesday. (I'm teaching a seminar down here, and they came with me). We got to tour the USS Midway, a decommissioned aircraft carrier yesterday. What a hoot that was. No pics though, since my camera is still getting repaired ("Sure it's shockproof and waterproof. As long as you don't drop it or get it wet.")
We're heading back Friday night for one of the numerious Harry Potter book parties.
Guitar vs. Guitar Hero
July 18, 2007
It's scary what fame can do to you...
July 16, 2007
Happy Birthday, Gay!
And, in a TOTALLY unrelated post, I present unto you, the Man Song:
July 15, 2007
Movie Review
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
A word of warning – if you haven’t been following the Harry Potter universe through the first four installments, “The Order of the Phoenix” will probably have you scratching your head in confusion. Based on book number 5 of the seven-series set, HPATOOTP takes us much further down the road of the Dark Side of J.K. (richer-than-the-Queen) Rowling’s wizarding community.
A couple of new characters in this one. Imelda Staunton is the sickeningly sweet Delores Jane Umbridge who ends up all but declaring martial law at Hogwarts (Staunton was good, but a better choice would’ve been William’s 7th grade French teacher, Madame Clumont. She had the perfect toad-like quality described in the book). And we also get to meet Hagrid’s half-brother Grawp, a big, dumb CG giant who bears a striking resemblance to George W. Bush.
Harry and the gang team up to fight the evil Lord Voldemort (who ends up kicking their collective asses until Professor Dumbledore swooshes in and saves the day).
A lot of mindless fun, epic battles and some mighty spiffy fireworks are all tossed in to make Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix one of this summer’s blockbusters. It wasn’t as good as the book (what movie is?), but it’ll keep you entertained for a couple of hours.
July 14, 2007
The bugs are coming back today (from being on vacation with their mom for the past week), so I'm taking them to see the new Harry Potter movie. I feel a movie review coming on!
July 13, 2007
Prince Charles Taking a Hands On Approach to the British Armed Forces:
July 12, 2007
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
At
the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's
Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap
years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When
your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking
up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
July 11, 2007
Whoops...
Aestimes iudicia, non numeres.
You should weigh your options not count them. Legal Principle
Ars longa vita brevis.
Life is short, the art so long to learn. Hippocrates aphorism
Audacter calumniare, semper aliquid haeret.
Spread libel boldly some of it always sticks. Francis Bacon
Cato mirari se aiebat quod non ridere haruspex haruspicem cum videret.
Cato used to say that he was amazed one soothsayer could keep a straight face when he met another. Cicero
Dicebamus hesterno die? .
We were saying yesterday? Fray Luis de Le?n on resuming his lectures after five years in prison.
Expedit esse deos, et, ut expedit esse, putemus.
It is expedient that there should be gods, and, since it is expedient, let us assume that there are. Ovid
Gratis anhelans, multo agendo nihil agens.
Puffing pointlessly, very busy doing nothing. Phaedrus
Alea iacta est.
The die is cast. Used most famously by C?sar on crossing the Rubicon to invade Gaul against the orders of the Senate
Ignotum per ignotius.
To explain something not understood by something even less understood. Latin expression
Imprimatur.
It may be printed. A censor’s permission, especially in the catholic church
In partibus infidelium.
In the lands of the infidel. Ecclesiastical term as of a bishop without a see in Christendom
Interdum stultus bene loquitur.
Occasionally a fool says something sensible. Proverb
Latrante uno, latrat statim et alter canis.
When one dog barks another immediately barks too. Proverb
Malo cum Platone errare quam cum istis vera sentire.
I would rather be wrong with Plato than right with those people. Cicero
Mandamus.
We order. Legal term
Mentis gratissimus error.
A most delightful wandering of the mind. Horace
Misere est tacere cogi quod copias loqui.
It’s wretched being forced to keep quiet about something one is bursting to tell. Pubilius Syrus
Mobilium* turba Quiritium.
A crowd of inconsistent citizens. Hence the origin of the word ?mob?. Horace
Mutato nomine de te fabula narratur.
Change the name and the story is about you. Horace
Nec audiendi qui solent dicere, ?vox populi vox dei?, quum tumultuositas vulgi semper insaniae proxima sit.
Those
who keep saying “The voice of the people is the voice of the gods?”
should not be listened to since the turbulence of the crowd is always
very near to madness. Alcuin
Nescire quod antea quam natus sis
acciderit, id est semper esse puerum; quid enimest aetas hominis nisi
memoria rerum nostrarum cum superiorum aetate contexerit?
To be
ignorant of what occurred before one’s birth is to be always a child,
for what is adult life unless memory enables us to compare the events
of our own time with those of earlier periods? Cicero
Nescis, mi fili, quantula sapientia gubernatur mundus?
Do you know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed? Count Oxentierna
Nihil simile est idem.
Things similar are not identical. Latin proposition
Nobis cum semel occidit brevis lux, nox est perpetua una dormienda.
When our brief day is done, we must sleep through a single endless night. Catullus
Non ego ventosae venor suffragia plebis.
I do not pursue the votes of the fickle masses. Horace
Odering dum metuant.
Let them hate me, provided they fear me. Cicero, Suetonius.
Odi profanum vulgus et arceo.
I hate and spurn the common crowd. Horace
Omnium consensu capax imperii nisi imperasset.
Universally judged fit to rule- until he ruled. Tacitus about Emperor Galba
Ovis ovem sequitur.
One sheep follows another. Proverb
Petitio principii. Begging the question.
Logical fallacy, assuming the conclusion to be proved, as a premise
Populus vult decipi. Decipiatur.
The people wish to be deceived, let them be deceived. Cardinal Caraffa
Post hoc, ego propter hoc.
After this and therefore because of this.
Si parva lecit componere magnis.
If one may compare small things with great. Virgil
Solitudine faciunt, pacem appellant.
They make a desert and they call it peace. Tacitus
Splendide mendax.
Gloriously false. Horace
Stat sua cuique dies; breve et irreparabile tempus omnibus est vitae; sed famam extendere facti, hoc virtutis opus.
Every
man has his appointed day; to all men a short and unalterable span of
life; but by deeds to extend our fame, this is virtue?s task. Virgil
Suave mari magno turbantibus aequora ventis e terra magnum alterius spectare laborem.
It is agreeable, when out at see the winds are whipping up they waves, to watch from shore another’s troubles. Lucretius
Sublime feriam sidera vertice.
In exaltation, I shall smite the stars. Horace
Tantum bona valent quantum vendi possunt.
Things are worth precisely what they can be sold for. Sir Edward Coke
July 10, 2007
July 9, 2007
My kids are on a cruise ship with their mom this week. Hope it's not this one...
Cruise Ship Caught In Cyclone - Watch more free videos
"Man, it's hot. It's like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of heat" (Matthew Broderick, "Biloxi Blues") I'm in Raleigh for the next coupla days, and then to PHOENIX (where it's around 115*). But the kids are on vacation with their mom, so I can live with a little sweat.
But I'm not kidding. When I got here this afternoon, I saw a dog chasing a cat... and they were both walking.
And this has nothing to do with anything. It just made ME laugh
July 8, 2007
Have I mentioned how much I freakin' LOVE my Mac? It's like a cult. I open it up at coffee shops or at airports and total strangers come up to me and start MacYakkin.
Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way...
July 7, 2007 (Happy 7/7/07)
The World's Most Difficult Tongue-Twister
Esau Wood sawed wood. Esau Wood
would saw wood. All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau Wood would saw. In
other words, all the wood Esau saw to saw, Esau sought to saw. Oh, the
wood Wood would saw! And, oh the wood-saw with which Wood would saw
wood! But one day, Wood's wood-saw would saw no wood, and thus the wood
Wood sawed was not the wood Wood would saw if Wood's wood-saw would saw
wood. Now, Wood would saw wood with a wood-saw that would saw wood, so
Esau sought a saw that would saw wood. One day, Esau saw a saw saw wood
as no other wood-saw Wood saw would saw wood. In fact, of all the
wood-saws Wood ever saw saw wood, Wood never saw a wood-saw that would
saw wood as the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood would saw wood, and I never
saw a wood-saw that would saw as the wood-saw Wood saw would saw until
I saw Esau Wood saw wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood. Now Wood
saws wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood.
July 3, 2007
Well, I'm totally bummed. I was in an accident this afternoon. Nothing really serious but I took my eyes off the road for a second and rear-ended another car.
We pulled over and got out, and the other driver was a DWARF!!
He was pissed!
He stomped back to me, looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
I said, "Okay, then, which one are you?"
Kick-ASS!
Finally,
a movie that lives up to the title of “blockbuster” – literally. When I
first heard about this film being made, I thought it was going to be
pretty much like the lame TV show back in the mid-80’s, incredibly
cheesy and poorly written. Then, when I saw the first trailers, my
hopes rose exponentially.
Also I’d like to point out that, unlike
a lot of people, I don’t hate Michael Bay. That seems to be the au
courant view around Hollywood these days. I kinda liked Armageddon and
Pearl Harbor and The Rock. (I also like Novocain shots, but that’s a
story for another time).
Ubiquitous Shia LaBeouf was expertly
cast as Sam Witwicky, the
nerd-who-turns-hero-and-falls-for-the-hot-classmate (also a nicely done
performance by aptly-named Megan Fox). John Tuturro is hysterical as
the über-serious Agent Simmons from the shadowy government “Section 7,”
and John Voight adds his own bit of gravitas as the Secretary of
Defense.
The plot centers around the search for the Allspark,
a mysterious cube which was the origin of life back on Cybertron, and
eventually landed on Earth. All of that is narrated in the opening five
minutes of the movie so we can get on with the humor and the action and
the eventual epic battle to the death between Megatron (the bad
Transformer) and Optimus Prime (the Good Transformer).
The very
best action movies are those which have just the right amount of humor
woven in, and Transformers does it seamlessly. I'm still chuckling at
the scene where Sam's parents are questioning him about what he's been
doing locked up in his room. It’s delightfully obvious that the cast
and crew had as good a time making this film as our audience enjoyed
watching it.
The nerds, dorks and geeks at the special
screening at the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood when totally bats**t nuts
when Producer Tom DeSanto was introduced prior to the beginning of the
show. I’ll admit I rolled my eyes a bit when he made the comment, “If
you’re not a fan, you will be by the time you leave this theater.” When
the credits finially rolled, I had this urge to go out and buy some
Hasbro toys. I went in a cynic, and left a fanatic.
This movie, like Optimus Prime and the Gang, is going to be absolutely enormous,
and it sets a new bar for the summer, if not the rest of the year. Pay
your money, buy your popcorn and enjoy this 2 hours and 24 minutes of
pure adrenaline rush.
July 1, 2007
Oh, I love this... create your own Simpson's avatar by clicking here. This is me - whaddya think? (Thanks and a tip O'the hat to bardgal Tally)
Ever wonder what the South Park kids might look like if they were drawn more realistically? (Me neither)
This is usually the line *I* get behind when checking through airport security
And,
finally, it's been a real weird last three months, and the next three
are bound to be interesting, as well. It's a good thing I came across
this: 
PAST ISSUES OF SKIP'S HOUSE OF CHAOS
Comments? Email me - skip@skiptucker.com
Complaints? Bite me
HOUSE OF CHAOS LINKSJJ's Highlights 4 U
Paris Hilton's new Designer Sunglasses
Steal THIS, suckers!
The Single Greatest Threat to Mankind:
Favorite Links
June 26, 2007
Booger. My digital camera conked out on me and now I've got to wait something like four weeks to get it back. I suppose I'll just have to post other people's pics for awhile.
How about a picture of a naked chick?
June 25, 2007
Try the 2008 Presidential Candidate Selector
My Results:
Fred Thompson scored as high as 4%? No way.
June 24, 2007
I love summer. The California Dairy Association has this campaign where they ask questions like "Why do the swallows come back to Capistrano?" or "Why is California one of the highest-rated tourist attractions in the world?" - and their response is, "It's the Cheese."
Bwah-hahahahaha.... You want cheese, go to Wisconsin. You want a lot of SUNSHINE (and be able to do without the insane temperatures of Arizona, or the humidity and bugs-you-can-throw-a-saddle-on in places like the Southeast) -you come to California.
Cheese, my ass.
Yesterday,
the bugs and I went boogie boarding We average about 2-3 times a week
at Santa Monica beach (south of the Pier - right around guardshack 24)
- Come join us!
June 22, 2007
Hilarious Microsoft Surface Ad
If you haven't seen this before, watch this one first
Now watch this one...
June 21, 2007
We went to Raging Waters yesterday, and I've come to conclusion that these places are designed by sadistic, wicked people whose entire purpose in life is to scare the BEJEEZUS out of us old coots trying to keep up with the pups.
Case in point... a ride called the High Extreme.
What kind of a sick, twisted mind would come up with something like this? At the bottom of the ride, the kids asked, "So Dad! Howdja like it?" When I finally got my lungs to work again, I rasped, "It was FUN! ... Can we go to the Lazy River now?"
No such luck - they wanted to hit all the "extreme" ones first. Great.
Man, I've got to go back to work so I can get some rest...
June 20, 2007
Can the level of math education sink any lower?
Teaching Math In 1950:
A logger sold a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960:
A logger sold a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970:
A logger sold a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980:
A logger sold a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990:
A logger cut down a beautiful forest, because he is selfish
and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of
animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this
so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this
way of making a living? After answering the question, the
topic for class participation is: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers.)
The Result In 2005:
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The
young woman at the counter took my $2. I was digging for my
change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to
her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies while
looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
June 19, 2007
Guess who this is:
Is he:
a) The German Ambassador to the United States?
b) A former rock and roll star?
c) A Spokane, Washington serial killer?
d) An announced Presidential candidate in 08? or
e) The CEO of Haliburton?
If you answered b), you win... It's former Monkee Michael Nesmith.
How about this guy?
Would you believe this is 50's heart throb Tony Curtis? Me neither.
June 17, 2007
Happy Father's Day, dads! Mine's been gone for 10½ years, but I still think of him every day.
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
The boys and I went to the Point Loma Naval Submarine Base in San Diego for a Father's Day brunch. Two and a half hours down and two and a half back - and so worth it! I'm ...never ...going ...to ...eat ...again...
Great setting, too. Right on the water (Of course, it's a submarine base, so I suppose that would make sense, huh?
Then we went to see the New "Fantastic Four" movie. Here we go:
My Review of "Fantastic Four - Rise of the Silver Surfer"
Spoiler alert - Not a buttload of spoilers, but some...
First of all, the most “fantastic” part of this movie was a great, ballsy cameo by Stan Lee (“But… I’m Stan Lee!”)
Jessica
Alba needs to dial down on the Botox treatments and the eye makeup
(including the blue contact lenses). In the first FF, she was pretty
hot. This time she looked like more like a truck-stop hooker. (And if that doesn’t get her to quit calling me, nothing will!)
There
was no chemistry whatsoever between Susan Storm (Alba) and her fiancée,
Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd). (I guess) they tried, but their scenes
together were about as sizzling as a brass toilet seat. There was more
sexual tension between her and damn near everybody in the movie
including her own brother, the Torch (...I know. Eeww.) There was even
some friction going on between her and the Silver Surfer (apparently,
she reminded him of his former girlfriend back on Melmac or wherever).
The
Torch (Chris Evans) is obviously having the most fun with his
character. Cocky and narcissistic, and loving every minute of it.
The
Silver Surfer was voiced by Laurence Fishburne. He did his best to
sound spooky and otherwordly, but it was just Morpheus in a silver suit.
Dr.
Doom (Julian McMahon) was again a one-note wonder; a stereotypical,
arrogant, yuppie metrosexual bad guy. His one redeeming moment in the
film was when he punched the HELL out of an equally irritating General.
The
Thing (Michael Chiklis) was, again, the clobberin’ anti-hero who
belches for comedic effect and out-growls a grizzly. ‘Nuff said.
Great
special effects, a convoluted and confusing script and tepid acting -
pretty much what you’d expect from a comic book popcorn movie. It
wasn’t great, but it could have been a lot better.
June 13, 2007
Couldn't have said it better myself:
Conundrum: How much do I want to protest this?
June 12, 2007
This guy gave me goosebumps ("chickenskin" for you Hawaiians)
The best place to be when you're sad is with your dog.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Reading what people write on desks can get you through the test.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide broccoli in a glass of milk.
School lunches stick to the wall.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
Never say "Last one is a rotten egg" unless you're absolutely sure someone is slower than you.
It's impossible to unlearn a bad word.
If you want a kitten or puppy, start out by asking for a horse.
Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
All libraries smell the same.
Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
If you throw a ball at someone, they'll probably throw it back.
Don't nod on the phone.
It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.
If
you tell the Marines to secure a building, they will assault it with
heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it, and call for an air
strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will take out a three-year lease with option to buy.
A
Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into a argument about
which branch of the service was "The Best". The arguing became so
heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they
crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.
Soon,
the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven.
There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the
ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked
him, "Saint Peter", which branch of the United States Armed Forces is
the best?"
Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I
will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him. Meanwhile, thank
you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."
Some time
later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and reminded him of the
question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen
asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a
sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's
beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note,
trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos
and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3.
Serving in the United States military represents a great honor
warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow
man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Warm Regards,
GOD
USN (Ret.)
You Just Can't Trust Pirates
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"
1. TV is the idiot box. The computer is the good box.
2. Testosterone is the great equalizer; it turns all men into morons.
3. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
4. Variety is the spice of bad.
5. Blood is life. It's what makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead.
6. Don't eat the principal.
7. Fighting is hard and it's painful and it's every day, but it's what we have to do.
8. Love makes you do strange stuff
9. Always carry a beeper, just in case the apocalypse comes.
10. A good day to break up with someone is any day but Valentine's Day or your wedding day.
11. It is sometimes possible to save the world with just words, love, and a yellow crayon.
12. Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is ask for help when you need it.
13. There comes a time when you either have to move out of your parents' basement or buy yourself a Klingon costume and just go with it.
14. Live in the now.
15. Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.
16. When you leave someone at the altar, it's really hard to go back to dating her
17. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
18. Home schooling: it's not just for scary religious people anymore.
19. All men are beasts.
20. Bruises fade but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.
21. Sarcasm is an end in itself.
22. Stalking is not a turn-on.
23. Always laugh in the face of danger. And then hide until it goes away
24. Magic and medicine don't usually mix well.
25. There's nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt.
26. People in love are always a little crazy.
27. There are a lot of different kinds of families.
28. It's not always about you.
29. Find out the returns and exchanges policy on all gifts.
30. There are three kinds of people that no one understands: geniuses, madmen, and guys that mumble.
31. Life is like becoming vampire: it's a whole big sucking thing.
32. The geeks shall inherit the earth. Or possibly conquer it.
33. In life you can either do things the hard way or...actually, there's just the hard way.
34. Smart chicks are hot.
35. Sometimes life is one big scavenger hunt.
36. It is a statistical impossibility for a teenage girl to unplug a phone.
37. Schools are just factories, spewing out mindless little automatons... Who go on to be very valuable and productive members of society and you should go.
38. Never kiss your best friend. (Exemption for impending death situations.)
39. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. No, really.
40. They don't make angry mobs like they used to.
41. No matter how good it sounds, a robot is not a good substitute for a real relationship.
42. Logic has no place in a rant.
43. Saying "as long as nothing bad happens" is the ultimate jinx.
44. Society has rules and boundaries and an endzone.
45. Everyone has an evil twin.
46. Girls really dig that billowy-coat, king-of-pain thing.
47. Vengeance is not justice.
48. Everyone should get a chance to watch and mock and laugh.
49. Life's a show and we all play our part.
50. Dancing and songs don't always lead to hugs and puppies.
51. Witty repartee will throw off your enemies.
52. The earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to
10. I'm smarter than the last guy- 9. With an oval office, I can't bump into anything
- 8. Fox News is already on my side
- 7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job
- 6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions
- 5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts
- 4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts
- 3. My middle name isn't Hussein... anymore
- 2. My vice president will be Mayor McCheese
- 1. Kick-ass inauguration party! Bring a six pack and you're in
My Review of "Shrek the Third"
Not
as good as I'd hoped; not nearly as bad as I'd feared. Some funny
bits, but Mike Myers practically phoned his performance in. It was
nice to see (or hear) former Monty Pythoners John Cleese (back as the
ailing, then dead Frog King) and Eric Idle (as the pantless Merlin).
It was also fun to see the Queen (Julie Andrews) really use her head to
escape from captivity. The Gingerbread Man steals the show with lines
like, "The only thing you'll ever be king of is King of the Stupids!",
pooping gumdrops when scared, and, in a life-flashing-before-his-eyes
montage, we see how he rehabilitated himself after his legs were ripped
off in the original movie (complete with Six Million Dollar Man sound
effects).
Just think, in three years, we can all look forward to Shrek 4!
May 19, 2007
You Know You’re a Browncoat if –
You speak in English but swear in Chinese
You use the words “Shiny” and “Gorram” every day.
You glue plastic dinosaurs to your car dashboard.
You know all the words to the “Ballad of Serenity”
You say “Companion” instead of “Hooker.”
You saw Serenity in the theater before you bought the DVD
You learned how to knit so you could have a Jayne hat
You get teary-eyed when you hear anyone say “Wash.”
You threaten people who talk in theaters with the Special Hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Elephant Never Forgets