skiptucker2 - SHOC, October

December 31, 2007

Happy New Year, Everybody!

Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.
When you're down, I wish you joy.
When things seem empty, I wish you hope.
May the dawning of this New Year open up new horizons and bring for you promises of brighter tomorrows.

May you have a great New Year.

And always remember, revenge is a dish best served with something my opponent is allergic to.

December 29, 2007

Well, the kids are with their mom for the next week, and that leaves me LOTS of time on my hands. To start with, here are...

My 2008 New Year’s Resolutions

I resolve to finally go on a diet. Or, alternatively, hire advance crew to Vaseline doorways in my path.

I resolve to abandon my lifelong dream of a date with Annette Funicello, and settle for one with Scarlett Johansen instead.

I resolve to invent a Segway with a third wheel.

I resolve to save money on medical expenses. Schedule my next physical at pediatrician's office and order off the kiddie menu. (Note to self: Don’t forget to ask about the Little Slugger Prostate Exam.)

Embracing the brotherhood tradition of Hands Across America, I resolve to organize a National Bitch-Slap Rush Limbaugh Day.

I resolve to eat naturally. Learn to coax out Twinkie filling by the Lamaze method.

I resolve to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Then give it an Elvis Presley songbook.

I resolve to find the girl I wanted to marry in kindergarten and tell her I’ve changed my mind.

December 28, 2007

Santa left a parting message here on his way back to the North Pole.

The kids are thinking about becoming vegetarians in 2008.

I tried, unsuccessfully, to buy a Wii for the kids for Christmas, but everybody was sold out. I think I now know the reason why:

And, finally for today, the "Dirty Mind Test":

December 27, 2007

Look up "fun" in the dictionary, and you'll probably see these pictures:

Indoor skydiving. What a frakkin' HOOT!

December 26, 2007

Just got back from the Tanque Verde dude ranch, so I haven't had time to post much. Here's one shot of Jack on Christmas morning.

Fyi - the two white houses between the two cacti on the right belong to Paul McCartney. How cool is that? We went to Tombstone on Friday (the day before Will's birthday, and the pics can be viewed here, and the rest of the pictures from the ranch can be seen here.

Amanda ("I heart Helo") Domenech sent me this video of Jack asking Starbuck a question at the BSG convention last month in Burbank. Have I ever mentioned what cool kids I have?

December 21, 2007

Ever since 2001, when Lisa Sealy (hereinafter "Bitch") told my kids that Santa didn't exist, I've been struggling with the Santa Conundrum. How do you answer the Inevitable Question when posed by your children? My initial response of, "Well, there's real people and pretend people. Santa is a real pretend person" didn't really cut it with the Bugs. So, in the spirit of the Scientific Method, I offer the following:

DOES SANTA CLAUS EXIST?

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a mere 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa himself, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, reducing him to a pink blob of goo.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

December 20, 2007

This from my sister, Melody. (I love having a lawyer in the family!)

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part, being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap).

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter “the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter “the Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted than an additional co-conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)

The part of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed of the for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

December 18, 2007

I Am the Walrus...

(Oh Lord God, let that be his mouth...)

December 17, 2007

Hey, come on over and visit "Skip's City." It's completely pointless, has no redeeming social value whatsoever, and serves no purpose in any way. But I'm thinking that if we get enough residents, maybe we can qualify for tax relief! MY kind of town! Click here

The Three Stages of a Man's Life:

Stage One

Stage 2

Stage 3

December 15, 2007

I was depressed last night so I called the Crisis Hotline.

I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

~~~~~~~~~

Dunno - I'm starting to like Dennis more and more...

Off to Seattle for the last seminar of the year, then to Arizona for the holidays. Postings might be a bit spotty.

Love you.

Mean it.

Let's do lunch.

Have your people call my people.

December 12, 2007

The only title I can come up with for this picture is...

Shrinkage...

These are from my friend Luis. Perhaps "politically correct" wouldn't be the phrase some might use, but here's a dollar. Go buy a sense of humor.

9 Truths Black and Hispanic people know but White people wont admit

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Rap music is here to stay.
3. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
6. A 5 year old is too big for a stroller.
7. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
8. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

9 Truths White and Black People know but Hispanic people wont admit

1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
7. 'Jump out and run' is not in any insurance policies.
8. Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
9. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

9 Truths white and Hispanic people know but Black people won't admit

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth shouldnt be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesnt know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. Red is not a Kool Aid flavor, its a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

December 11, 2007

Oh, this isn't going to end well...

y'think?

December 10, 2007

I almost cried when I saw this picture. It is absolutely gut-wrenching. It shows the importance of being properly strapped in.

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Holland. The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

My friend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived.

December 9, 2007

Spock and Company made it from Australia for a visit. He and his wife and son accompanied the bugs and I (along with Jack's BFF Anna) to Disneyland for the day. Actually, I torched the fire wallet off when we were buying the tickets, which impressed them so much that they gave us "park hopper" passes - so we could go to Disneyland AND California Adventure. Space Mountain was one of our first stops

We tried to get into the Blue Bayou for dinner, but they were full, so we ended up heading back to LA and ate at El Cholo (possibly the best Mexican restaurant in the city!).

By the way, have I ever mentioned how that fire wallet is a GREAT ice-breaker and conversation-starter?

It is. Damn, I love magic.

December 7, 2007

"December 7, 1941, a day which will live in infamy..." Pearl Harbor was long before my time - but not my dad. He joined the Navy in 1940, and was stationed aboard the USS Maryland that day. Berthed inboard (and thus, somewhat protected by) the USS Oklahoma - which ended up capsizing, the Maryland still took her fair share of damage.

Dad seldom talked about that day, except to say that he spent most of it pulling survivors out of the water. At least, not to us. Every year on this date (until just before he died in 1997), Dad would attend a Pearl Harbor Survivors Association convention where he and his old buddies would get together and re-fight the war.

I think of my dad every day, but particularly on four - the anniversary of his birth, his death, his wedding - and today.

Thanks, dad. You were a hero. I miss you.

December 6, 2007

My Conversations With Jesus

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my backyard and having a vodka and orange juice along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me today after a particularly long trip and doing two seminars back to back. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You have two wonderful sons, and you work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

December 5, 2007

December 4, 2007

It’s that time of year again, Troops. Brace yourselves for the shocking truth: “Jingle Bells” is not a Christmas song.

Hell, it's not even a song about bells. It is a sleighing song. It's sort of the 19th Century equivalent of "Little Deuce Coupe."

Written by James Pierpont in 1857, it memorializes the 'cutter' drag races in Boston, where spiffed out sleighs would race between Medford and Malden Squares, and the drivers would try to pick up the local hotties.

Consider the original lyrics:

        Dashing thro' the snow,
        In a one-horse open sleigh,
        O'er the hills we go,
        Laughing all the way;
        Bells on bob tail ring,
        Making spirits bright,
        Oh what sport to ride and sing
        A sleighing song to night.

    Chorus:
        Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
        Jingle all the way;
        Oh! what joy it is to ride
        In a one horse open sleigh.
        Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
        Jingle all the way;
        Oh! what joy it is to ride
        In a one horse open sleigh.

        A day or two ago,
        I thought I'd take a ride,
        And soon Miss Fannie Bright
        Was seated by my side,
        The horse was lean and lank;
        Misfortune seemed his lot,
        He got into a drifted bank,
        And we, we got upsot.

    Chorus

        A day or two ago,
        The story I must tell
        I went out on the snow
        And on my back I fell;
        A gent was riding by
        In a one-horse open sleigh,
        He laughed as there I sprawling lie,
        But quickly drove away.

    Chorus

        Now the ground is white
        Go it while you're young,
        Take the girls to night
        And sing this sleighing song;
        Just get a bob tailed bay
        Two forty as his speed.
        Hitch him to an open sleigh
        And crack, you'll take the lead.

    Chorus:

I’m not trying to deny royalties to the writers of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Frosty the Snowman,” or “Winter Wonderland” (well, maybe “Winter Wonderland”) but I feel it’s important during this season of festivity and generosity to reflect on just how many Christmas songs have nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. No Santa, no Jesus, no mistletoe. Not even any nog. Just a song about riding around in a giant horse-drawn sled in sub-zero temperatures, and how much fun that is.

How much fun does that sound like? How likely is it that anyone doing that in 2007 would be laughing all the way, as opposed to remarking all the way, “This is ridiculous. I'm freezing my ass off.”

I would also contend that even in 1857 the constant ringing of bells attached to a horse’s bobbed tail would only make spirits bright for about a minute and a half before sending you running off the back of the sled, o’er the fields, but I’m not prepared to make a big deal about it.

You know what else isn’t a Christmas song? “Joy to the World” (the traditional one – not the one sung by Three Dog Night and written by Hoyt Axton).

Every year, BFF Donna, who has a doctorate in Church Music from USC, and is the music director of a church, has to reference this fact whenever someone requests “Joy to the World” be sung as a Christmas hymn. If she doesn’t, she gets the stank eye from me. Or I’ll pop up and say, “Y’know…’Joy to the World isn’t really a Christmas song…” (to the delight, I’m sure, of the elderly parishioners). But it isn’t. It’s a song about the second coming of Christ.

Pass the eggnog.

December 3, 2007

If you're not a fan of "Star Trek" (particularly the original series), this probably won't make too much sense

(There Must Be) 50 Ways to Kill an Ensign

(to the tune of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover)

The problem is something ‘bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, “I’m Security!”
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you’ll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
He takes a landing party down to find what’s going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it - the `expendable’ are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free…

She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev’ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer worse
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just tell him, “I’m not stupid and I’m not expendable
I’m not going!” Tell him that he’s a Denebian slime devil
And he’s overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
He’ll find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Friendly fire - isn't.
Tracers work both ways.
The primary objective is to make the other guy die for his country.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
In air-to-air combat, there are no points for second place.
B-52's are the ultimate in close air support.
Napalm is an area weapon.
Smart bombs have bad days too.
Your aircraft was designed and built by people who will never fly it.
There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.
Helicopters don't fly, they beat the air into submission.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
When you are forward of your position, the supporting artillery will always be short.
Never be the tallest man in the foxhole.
Suppressive fire - won't.
Communications will always fail the moment you desperately need air support.
All five-second grenade fuses are three seconds.
Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable; however, this world is full of dangerous amateurs.
No combat-ready unit has ever passed an inspection.
No inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat.
When in doubt, place the weapon on full automatic.
All-weather fighters seldom are.
Killing for peace is like whoring for virginity.

Useful Military Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

November 30, 2007

One of Life's Great Questions - ANSWERED!

November 29, 2007

As much fun as the bugs had doing "Beauty and the Beast" last night, I can't believe that they enjoyed themselves more than the audience. What a hoot! Plus, this was the night that they had a whole bunch of friends from school show up, so their curtain call was incredible!

Jack, as Cogsworth, was a blast

And William was born to play Gaston...

The rest of the pictures from last night can be found here.

They're doing the last two shows tonight (at 5 and 730). It's probable that I'll take more pictures. (Thank God for digital cameras!)

November 28, 2007

Tonight's the boys' debut of "Beauty and the Beast." Expect pictures.

Location, Location, Location

What's wrong with the two following pictures.

The first one should be somewhat obvious

How about this one?

(hint: note the position of the exhaust pipe...)

November 26, 2007

I love this site

November 25, 2007

Well, I'm heading off to Montgomery, Alabama for a couple of days. I've never been there before, so I thought I'd do my homework before heading out for the airport:

You know you’re from Alabama if –

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Cahaba, Opelika, Sylacauga, Oneonta, and Eufaula.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes. (It's about 5 minutes down the road)

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date . Or the Hunting Season.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to your friends.

19. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day!

Finally, you are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:

20. "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper"

And, on a totally unrelated note - What is this woman doing at my desk?

November 23, 2007

Movie Review - Beowulf

WARNING: Spoilers ahead

Beowulf. The very name evokes memories of reading about this legend in Mrs. Shandorf’s 4th grade class (Actually, it could’ve been my 3rd grade teacher, but I can’t remember her name). When the movie project was first announced and I found out that Robert (“Back to the Future”) Zemeckis was going to directing, I must admit that my first thought was that this was going to be a kick-ass retelling of the story that Mrs. Shandorf (or What’s-her-name) thrilled me with back as a pup.

Unfortunately,the only things “Beowulf” have in common with that spooky old English poem are the same character names. And turned out to be as thrilling as Mrs. Shandorf’s (or… you know…) famous weekly arithmetic quizzes.

By all rights, this movie should be a blockbuster. Epic battles, treachery, debauchery, adultery, and Angelina Jolie naked (sort of). You know, all the things that make a movie and this great nation of ours great!

Maybe it was the motion-capture format that seemed a bit off (Robin Wright-Penn had one bored expression throughout the film, Anthony Hopkins looked like a fat house elf, and for those who saw “The Departed,” get this - they cast the dweeby guy who played Mr. French as Beowulf! And they drew him so buff he would’ve made Leonidas of Sparta look like Charlie Brown.

Come on. Do you mean to tell me that this guy

is this actor?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Or maybe it was that John Malkovich was so criminally underused. His character (Unferth) showed so much sleazy promise at the beginning of the film, but ended up as a wasted syncophant who apologizes to Beowulf for doubting him, and gives him the his own beautiful sword. I kept waiting for some sort of a kickass payoff, but all I ended up waiting for was for the guy ahead of me to get out of the bathroom so I could throw up.

It also could’ve been that this movie is also shown in 3D (I didn’t know that when I went in). So all the swords being thrust, the arrows being shot, and the dragon’s fireballs breathing directly into the camera seemed like just more bad editing.

Angelina Jolie’s aforementioned nudity was pretty cheesy, too. The rise from the water was very Bond-girlish, but strategically placed mud hid the naughty bits. Although I’ll admit that the bit with her hair braided down her back and ending up as a serpent’s tail looked pretty cool. I was confused as to why she was wearing high heels, though. In a swamp, of all places.

The ending was as predictable as a diet plan (I was going to go with “as predictable as a plot in a “Road Runner” cartoon, but I didn’t want to come across too strong). The one redeeming feature about the film was that they got Crispin Glover to do the voice of Grendel. Imagine that – having a distorted, self-absorbed, mumbling, burned out, psycho has-been… …wait, I forgot… Was I talking about Crispin Glover or Grendel?

No matter. Save your bucks for Christmas shopping. This one, in the words of the immortal Mr. Mackey, is “one big, stinking choad.”

~~~~~~~

By the way - my sister Melody reminded me that my 2nd grade teacher was Miss Pritchard.

I hate it when she remembers things I can't.

November 22, 2007

("Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how did you like the parade?")

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 21, 2007

Some motivational posters to help get you through the long weekend...

November 20, 2007

The Best First Dance at a Wedding. Ever.

Dude, hang on to this one. Seriously.

November 19, 2007

Translation of 'ROTFLMAO":

ANSWERS AND QUESTIONS

As in the old Johnny Carson “Karnak” bit. First read the Answer, then read the question.

EXAMPLE: ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?

Got it? Good. Go…

A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Pat Robertson’s pants?

A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station closed on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

A: I-V
Q: What do you yell on a Roman golf course?

A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs’ muzzles?

A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?

A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.

A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

A: Chicken Teriyaki
Q: What was the name of the only surviving WWII kamikaze pilot?

A: Beer Nuts
Q: What is the official disease of Milwaukee?

A: O Gee Whiz
Q: What do the Astronauts call the toilet on the International Space Station.

A: Green Acres
Q: What does Kermit have after Miss Piggy kicks him in the groin?

November 18, 2007

Okay - so - the BSG Convention... Hysterical. The boys were famous by the end of the thing. In fact, Katee Sackhoff asked Jack, "Are you the kid that I've been hearing about that knows everything about the show?" Jackie was the only one of us who had the nerve to go up and ask questions... including asking Jamie Bamber for acting tips to speak with a British accent!

William got to be on Sunday's trivia panel (and ended up, like Jack) winning a $100 gift certificate.

One of the highlights was when they picked the bugs to help out during one of the auctions. I bid on this one... but when the price topped $100, I bowed out..

There was no way on earth I was going to try to bid on this poster of Tricia Helfer, but just check out the expression on William's face...

November 17, 2007

Well, Jack was certainly the star at the convention last night. Kate Verdon (who played Ellen Tigh) was doing a Q&A with the group, answering

questions like, "How did you feel when you found out your character was going to die?" and "In the dinner scene, what was the subtext of your actions?" (real winners, these people). Then Jack comes up to the mike

and asks, "On Battlestar Galactica, do they ever run out of cigars and liquor?"

Kate is completely dumbfounded at this point, pauses, then asks Jackie, "How old ARE you?"

"Twelve."

"Oh, my God... we've got a twelve-year old watching the show!" And then she said, "Well, we may not be able to find Earth, but we sure know where the stash is!"

Brought down the house. Pandemonium.

THEN the Jack gets picked to be in the trivia game - and he ended up winning a $100 gift certificate! Dude! That's my boy!

November 16, 2007

Happy Friday, troops. Bottoms up!

Heading off to the BSG Convention in Burbank this weekend. Those are always good for tons of laughs. Pictures to follow, as well!

November 15, 2007

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, '”Surely i can't look that old?” Well.. You'll love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her DDS diploma, which bore her full name.

I then remembered this absolutely gorgeous, stunning blonde with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Could it be the same girl I had a secret crush on, way back in The Day? But when she came into the room, all of those thoughts vanished - this gray-haired, frumpy woman with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Ingraham High School.

“Why, yes I did,” she replied with pride. “I was a Ram!”

'When did you graduate?' i asked.

She answered, “In 1968. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!”, i exclaimed.

She looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, gray-headed, wrinkled, fat-butt, decrepit hag asked,

“What did you teach?”

November 14, 2007

Okay, quick quiz:

(1) Who was the Broadcast Manager for the Seattle Mariners for their first seven years as a franchise?

(2) Who was the only female General Manager of a professional sports team in America for several consecutive years?

(3) Who was the producer of (the University of Washington) Husky Football for KOMO television in Seattle for 24 years?

(4) Who was/is the editor and publisher of a leading newsletter and website dealing specifically with pets?

(5) Quick! Name an "honest lawyer"

(6) Who is the cutest person in this picture?

ANSWERS;

(1) My sister, Melody, who's celebrating her 29th (cough) birthday today.

(2) My sister, Melody, who's celebrating her 29th (cough) birthday today.

(3) My sister, Melody, who's celebrating her 29th (cough) birthday today

(4) My sister, Melody, who's celebrating her 29th (cough) birthday today

(5) My sister, Melody, who's celebrating her 29th (cough) birthday today

(6) Me, the one watching my sister, Melody, who's celebrating her 29th (cough) birthday today, holding our little sister, Penny.

November 13, 2007

If you've never seen Firefly or Serenity, you might as well just move along. Or, conversely, go rent 'em, watch 'em, and come back here and laugh your ass off.

November 11-12, 2007

Okay, Columbus Day (real and celebrated). Ol' Crazy Chrissy has become somewhat less ..."politically correct"... in the past several years. So, in honor of that, let's try some end of the year randomly offensive stuff:

Let's start it off with the Ebonic Word of the Day: Omelette

Let's use it in a sentence:

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

(Yeah, I know it's racist... but it's funny anyway)

But wait! There's more!

Bwah-hahahahaha! And still he goes on!!!!

and, finally, let's wrap up this Politically Incorrect holiday with:

Pothead Kitty!

November 10, 2007

November 9, 2007

Heading back to the Land of Milk and Money tomorrow. Nova Scotia is nice (and beautiful). but it's colder than a brass bra here. In fact, it's so cold...

…I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant.

…the flashers were just describing themselves.

…I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

…it could freeze the balls off a pool table.

…you could freeze the nuts off a bridge.

…when they play strip poker, they play for keeps.

…I was forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh just to get some hot air.

At any rate, it's going to be nice to get back to California tomorrow!

November 7, 2007

The MAN Song

by Sean Morey

An Oldie But a Goodie

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.“

“Naturally.....I assumed you had stolen the car."

November 6, 2007

Tonight's update - I walked down by the Riverfront and saw this sign in the window of a shop. Quite prudent, actually.

Then it was over to Bourbon Street for a little people-watching and hangin' with the homeys...

So it's off to Nova Scotia tomorrow, troops. The US dollar is worth, what? 50¢ these days? Eh?

Dude. Seriously. Close your mouth.

Man, I love this town. I walked down to the French Quarter last night, and while the music was blaring as loud as ever from the different establishments, there were (at best) one-fifth the number of people visiting.

The food is as good as ever, though. I had dinner at Emeril's last night, and it was incredible. I'm going to mosey on down to the Café Du Monde this afternoon and score me some beignets.

November 4, 2007

Frak. I'm supposed to be on my way to New Orleans, but I'm sitting at LAX waiting on the maintenance people to replace (get this) a cracked WINDSHIELD in my airplane.

I suppose it's better it cracked while on the ground, though. I still should get in tonight, but just a lot later than I'd hoped.

The Big Easy. Here's what happened the LAST time I was there...

In my own defense, I had consumed quite a few Hurricanes...

November 3, 2007

Click on the photo below. A series of unrelated phoographs, right? Until you start singing "The ABC Song" (the alphabet, not the network...)

November 2, 2007

Wonderful. I just read that there's now a virus that attacks Macs. JUST what I need.

Hey! I'm off to the Big Easy this Sunday. First time post-Katrina, and it'll be interesting to see what's happening down there.

More updates as I get 'em!

November 1, 2007

Happy November. GREAT time trick-or-treating last night - it'll probably be the last one that the bugs do (with me, anyway), so it was sort of bittersweet. The boys got a nice haul of treats. They usually donate the majority of the stuff they get to the Midnight Mission downtown (sort of a tradition), but they still have a cache of candy that they'll be dipping into for awhile. Ah well, by the time they come down of the sugar coma, it'll be a whole new week!

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but it was too good not to post.