February 29, 2008
It's Leap Day, troops! Traditionally, it's the day when women can propose to men, and let me tell you, the offers have just been POURING in.
On the political front, looks like Georgie was a little miffed at last night's press conference.
What's next? Holding his breath until he turns blue?
Moron.
And,
finally, in homage to three of my good friends - Ron (the Canadian),
Andy ("Grasshopper," the Brit) and Spock (the Aussie), I thought it
might be educational to look at some cultural differences between the
four of us:
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for British when abroad.
Canadians: Dislike being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
British: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
British: Believe you should look after only people who are family.
Americans: Believe people should look after and care for themselves.
Canadians: Believe that it's the governments job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
British: Don't sing at all, but prefer a large band to play their anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their time glued to the TV.
Canadians: Don't........ but only because they can't get more American channels.
British: Pay a tax so they can watch just four channels.
Aussies: Export all their TV programs which no-one watches there to Britain where everyone loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about Football, Baseball and Basketball.
British: Will jabber on incessantly about Soccer, Cricket and Rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about Hockey, Hockey, hockey and about how they beat America twice at Baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the British at every sport they play.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
British: Pronounce words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the British, but pronounce like the Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'Day" and "Mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
British: Shop at home and have goods imported, because they live on an Island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported, because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak piss-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong piss-tasting beer.
British: Drink warm beer-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with a semblance of alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to think that wealth and success are morally suspect.
British: Seem to think wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after a few beers.
I hope this helps clear up a few things
February 28, 2008
Looks like it's make or break time for the wife of the Best President We've Ever Had. Even the Big Dog said that, if she doesn't win Texas AND Ohio, she's finished.
(insert short giggle here)
(extra jab to Donna, Barri, Solomon and Uncle Mel)
Either way, one of these kids is going to be our next President
Any bets?
February 27, 2008
The largest earthquake to hit the United Kingdom in two decades happened this morning. Here is an image of the sad aftermath:
February 26, 2008
Attitude is Everything
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well,” she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today?”
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
“Hmmm,” she said, “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.”
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
“Well,” she said, “today I’m going to wear my hair in a ponytail.”
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head.
“YES!” she exclaimed, “I don’t have to fix my hair today!”
Attitude is everything.
- Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
- Live simply,
- Love generously,
- Care deeply,
- Speak kindly…….
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.
And, now that we've dispensed with the touchy-feely crap...
February 24, 2008
I'm sitting in the President's Club at Honolulu International Airport, waiting for our redeye flight back to LAX.
The
last couple of days have been awesome. We took the helicopter tour of
Hawai'i Island yesterday and saw the active volcano (with the liquid
hot magma),
...over the open ocean and saw some humpback whales and their calves,
...and even a downed WW2 bomber
We
flew to Honolulu last night. Today, we went to Pearl Harbor and the
Arizona Memorial, and then the boys took surfing lessons at Waikiki
Beach 
All
in all, a great trip. Probably the best vacation I've ever had. But
we're all ready to come home. We're taking the day off tomorrow and
then back to work (and school) on Tuesday. More pictures from the trip
can be found here.
Aloha, Hawai'i!
February 23, 2008
Lucky took us on the long tour around the Big Island yesterday, driving across Saddle Road - apparently named because it drives between the two big mountains, Mauna Kea ("White Mountain") and Mauna Loa ("Long Mountain")
Up to this point, I always thought "Mauna Loa" meant "Chocolate Macadamia Nut."
Mauna Loa is the largest mountain in the world - not the highest, but the largest. In fact, you could take the entire Appalachian mountain chain AND the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and their entire combined mass is less than Mauna Loa. Fat ass mountain, huh?
From there we went to the Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park.
We
couldn't get too close, because the Kilauea Caldera was belching out a
lot of Sulfur Dioxide, but we were still able to see quite a bit. 
Anyway, we're doing a helicopter tour of the Big Island later this morning, and then flying to Oahu this afternoon for a one-day stay until heading back tomorrow night.
A couple of more things I learned from Lucky about the Big Island - apparently there's a move afoot to stop calling it "the Big Island," and start referring to it by its actual name, Hawai'i. Also, the pronunciation is different for the State versus the Big Island. The Island is pronounced "Ha-WAH-ee" and the State is pronounced "Ha-VAH-ee."
There. You just added 20 minutes to your life by learning something new.
And, on a totally unrelated note - here's an advertisement for the Best Job Title Ever:
February 21, 2008
Just a quick posting to let you all know I'm not dead. Yet.
At Kia's taro farm in Waipi'o Valley 
Me & Kia
We
went to the Hawaii caucus on Tuesday. In Honokaa, they usually have
between 8 and 38 people who attended. Tuesday night there were
HUNDREDS. So many that they ran out of Democratic Registration Forms.
Gay had to go to her office and run off an additional 200. Pretty much
everybody was backin' Barack, too.
Today, we went boogie boarding at Hapuna Beach on the west side of the Island. 
I tried body surfing. Once. Did a TOTAL face plant.
And William got sunburned, even after being slathered with SPF-50.
The only one unscathed was Jack (grrrrrrr)
And, finally, in this week's "Write Your Own Caption" contest:
February 16, 2008
HAWAII
The
boys and I are off on vacation to Honokaa, Hawaii this week. Postings
may be spotty (or even nonexistent) until February 26. After that,
expect pictures. Maybe even some of the more incriminating ones.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love Hawaii?
Book 'em, Dano. Aloha!
Okay - just one more ...
February 15, 2008
Just some random funnies I've come across...
February 15, 2008
A
lot of you know that, as of the first of the year, I decided to lose a
buttload of weight (literally). I’m doing this by trying to eat
healthier plus a fairly rigorous (for me) regimen of weight training
and cardio exercise.
However, I’ve been thinking… what if
there’s a better way than the Old Wives’ Tale of counting calories and
exercise? The result is what I believe is a well thought out,
scientific approach to weight loss:
Okay, follow me now…it takes
1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade, right? (Just
agree. Nod your head “yes.”). Translated into meaningful terms, this
means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of
water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed
dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks
the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For
example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F)
will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37
degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process
takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert
portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of
thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories!
Therefore,
ergo, ipso facto, employing the deductive method of reasoning: the
more cold dessert you eat, the faster you will lose weight.
This
process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts
1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is
1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate
that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the
body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts,
e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to
melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm
to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really
remarkable (and, incidentally, it beats jogging hands down).
Unfortunately,
for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with
latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite
effect. But, thankfully, as you’ve probably already reasoned, the
obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up
immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
I think this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet is going to be the next new craze. Maybe I should write a book?
Happy eating.
February 14, 2008
Ah,
Valentine’s Day. The Day of Romance and Overpriced Roses. And who
better to instruct in the Science of Seduction than the Grand Master of
Love himself, Pepe Le Pew:
· “You are my peanut, I am your brittle!”
· “Where are you, my little gumbo of chicken ? Your French fried shrimp is sizzling for you.”
· “Permit me to introduce myself, I am your new lover.”
· “Where are you, my little object of art? I am here to collect you.”
· “Is it possible to be too attractive?”
· “You know, most men would get discouraged by now fortunately for you, I am not most men!”
· “You are the corned beef, and I am the cabbage. The corned beef is nothing without the cabbage.”
· “The game of love is never called on account of darkness, my little midnight snack."
· “You may call me Streetcar, because of my desire for you.”
· "I tell you what. You stop resisting me, and I, I will stop resisting you. When have you had a better offer than that?"
Oh, and incidentally, for all those out there parroting "Obama talks about change, but never discusses HOW he's going to change anything", you have, at the very least, read his 62-page Blueprint for Change, right? (
February 12, 2008
Well,
after watching Barack Obama sweep all three primaries yesterday,
Hillary Clinton has apparently decided to try a new campaign strategy:
HEY!
Only three more days and the boys and I are off to HAWAII! (Postings might be a little spotty during that time)
Anybody want anything??
My youngest son Jack has a pretty cool website. He started by using some of my postings, but he's graduated on to his own stuff. Pretty interesting, actually. I may have to start "borrowing" some of HIS stuff.
Check it out - "Random and Cool Stuff"
February 11, 2008
Survival of the Fittest
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to
continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this
end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.
The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are
tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have
hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in
the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be
a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as
well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A
Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with
a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looks like they picked the wrong guy to attack intellectually. Man, I want to ADOPT this kid.
1. Stop Being a Dick
2. Stop Whining
3. Get Out, Get Some Exercise, Unplug, and Deal with Real People
4. If People Are Treating You Like Crap, Then Let Them Go
5. Your Critics Are Always Right
6. Do Hard Stuff for a Change
7. Let Stuff Go/Suck It Up
February 10, 2008
February 9, 2008
Space,
the final frontier.... I am unashamedly a Sci-Fi (apparently pronounced
"skiffy") geek. I haven't (yet) crossed over to the dark side of being
a Trekkie (or Trekker), or a 'shipper (you know who you are), but I'm
dorky enough to be able to quote lines from Star Trek, BSG, Star Wars,
et al., and I'm fairly adept at Sci-Fi trivia. BFF Donna and Luis are
planning a Frak Party (get your mind out of the gutter) for the first
episode of Battlestar Galactica's final season.
William
and I visited "Star Trek, the Tour" last weekend, and we got to try out
the Guardian of Forever. Sort of a letdown, actually...
Live Long and Prosper. So say we all.
February 8, 2008
Okay, a short break from the political stuff. A short break
And finally, a little prostate exam humor!
Prostate
exams are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients while he was performing their the procedure:
1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity, would ya?”
11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
12 . “God, now I know why I’m not gay.”
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head isn’t up there?”
February 7, 2008 
So,
Romney is out, and now it's a shoo-in for the Old Crazy Coot McCain
(Yeah, I know he was a war hero. So was Benedict Arnold). On the
Democratic side, the Clinton campaign is apparently strapped for cash
(?) and has loaned 5 million of her own money to her campaign, while Obama has raised over 7 million SINCE Super Tuesday. Wanna help out? You can contribute here.
“When I am this party's nominee, my opponent will not be able to say that I voted for the war in Iraq; or that I gave George Bush the benefit of the doubt on Iran; or that I supported Bush-Cheney policies of not talking to leaders that we don't like. And he will not be able to say that I wavered on something as fundamental as whether or not it is ok for America to torture — because it is never ok… I will end the war in Iraq… I will close Guantanamo. I will restore habeas corpus. I will finish the fight against Al Qaeda. And I will lead the world to combat the common threats of the 21st century: nuclear weapons and terrorism; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease. And I will send once more a message to those yearning faces beyond our shores that says, "You matter to us. Your future is our future. And our moment is now.”
February 6, 2008
For those of you keeping score, here's the latest delegate count, including Super Delegates:
Democrats: Clinton 825, Obama 732 (2,025 needed for nomination)Republicans: McCain 615, Romney 268, Huckabee 169 (1,191 needed for nomination)
Update: Now, politico.com is saying that Obama is ahead, 847 to 834
Total Delegates: Obama 908, Clinton 884
And, in the Bad Taste Category (I should get LOTS of flak for these...)
February 5, 2008
It's Super-Duper Tsunami Tuesday.
So, Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Utah and West Virginia... Didja vote yet?
It's going to be an interesting evening, troops.
February 4, 2008
Good Morning, Boston!
(They're going to have to change the cover)
February 2, 2008
Chris Update:
I
brought the boys over to see my friend Chris Sangster (see below for
January 29). He was pretty much out of it the entire time, but he
opened his eyes a couple of times and we did get a couple of smiles.
Claudia asked what the boys had been up to and they told her about some
of their activities, including their drama classes, and that they had
been in a production of "Fiddler on the Roof." Claudia and (her sister)
Ellen asked if they would sing "Sunrise, Sunset" for Chris, and bless
their hearts, they didn't even hesitate.
He's really gone downhill since I saw him last Tuesday. He was only able to open his eyes for a couple of seconds, and then would drift off. He really seems near the end. As bad as he is, though, his house was filled with love and laughter and hope. Mutual friend and high school classmate Marilyn wrote,
"Chris was always sobig in life--a big grin, a huge booming voice, a whistle that
broke all records, a big does of humor & generosity to anyone he was
with. His transition to heaven will leave a big hole
where he has been for the last 58 years. I will miss him."
A lot of us will. Keep Chris and his family in your prayers, troops.
Separated at Birth 
Only
three more days to Super-Duper, Tsunami Tuesday. Looks like the Crazy
Old Coot Who Survived the Keating Scandal is going to be running
against the Shrill Female Antichrist or The Guy Who's Too Good To Be
True. This has been one hell of a primary season, huh?
A couple of pre-primary haikus:
No one else decides your vote
(Barack Obama)
or, how about this one:
Barack Hussein Obama
Just get past his name
Just one more...
The Barack Obama Music Video!
February 1, 2008
Well,
this is mondo cool. My elder (older) sister, Melody, was honored last
night by one of her old alma maters, Edmonds Community College, with
the 2007 Distinguished Alumna Award. Them's no small potatoes, troops.
"Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking..."
The award
Bossman and Mentor Tom, Melody and Donna
Melody, Mom, (younger) sister Penny and Steve
Good on ya, Sis! (That's Australian for "Way to kick ASS, Mel!"). I'm proud of you!
January 31, 2008
It's
the end of the month, troops. I thought I'd cap January with something
for all the tennis freaks (you may have to click on it to see it
clearly):
January 30, 2008
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
4) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your backyard.
5) Just because it's a "well known fact" doesn't mean it's true.
6) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
7) Every guy on Earth has, at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
8) Its impossible to look cool while riding in the back of a pick-up truck.
9) Ketchup makes everything taste better. Except Ketchup
10) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
11) There's always someone who prefers mustard (one of God's Three Mistakes).
12) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
13) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
14) Nice guys always finish last because they know it's not a race.
15) The volume of the music coming from inside a car is inversely proportional to the quality of what's being played.
16) Every man believes he is a better-than-average driver
17) Change is bad. Except for coins.
18) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
19) Things always seem like a good idea at the time.
20) If morons could fly, we'd never see the Sun.
January 29, 2008
There are times when all the crap that we put up with every single day needs to be put into some sort of perspective. I have not one, but two very close friends who have been diagnosed with brain cancer.
I went to high school with Chris Sangster. He and I both played trombone in the Ingraham High School orchestra in Seattle (the major difference between us was that he could actually play the trombone). We also tried our hand as a singing group (called "The Beginners"). That didn't last long...
That's me on the left. Chris, ever the musician, is in the middle
I didn't hear from him after graduation until about 10 years ago (in a search for my 30th high school reunion). I then found out that he had become the Assistant Dean for Advancement and Alumni Relations at Pepperdine University. We were able to rekindle our friendship, and I'm richer for it.
Chris has taken a turn for the worse, and is now in hospice care.
Update: I
was able to go see Chris today at his home. He was lucid but was only
able to utter a few whispered words. But he still has that HUGE
s**t-eating grin of his and that twinkle in his eye (and there is no other way to describe it). I was also (finally) able to meet his wife, Claudia. My prayers are with them both.
~~~~~~~~
My other friend is Pete Cohen. Pete worked for Karrass several years ago in the sales department, and I've been fortunate enough to have stayed in touch with him.
One of the most upbeat people I've ever known, Peter (or "Rabbi," as I refer to him), keeps his friends updated on his condition with semi-regular emails which are not only full of information, but humor and hope. The last update reported that his latest MRI had come back clean, and his wife told me this morning that he's back to working one day a week. He even writes stuff like this:
1.
The Disabled Person’s Placard (DPP). This is so cool that it’s nearly
reason enough to want cancer. You can park anywhere you want and not
get a ticket. You can park anywhere there’s a meter and not pay. You
can go into any venue and there are usually some reserved for
handicapped spaces. It’s absolutely fabulous.
2. People you love and
miss visit you. One favorite cousin from Maine flew in. Another, from
Chicago, has been here 2 or 3 times. Your weekends and evenings are as
full or free as you like. You’re hip, you’re now, you’re chic, you are
In. But I also call this the Andy Warhol Factor, meaning enjoy it while
you can- it won’t last forever.
3. Your children are extremely attentive and stop giving you shit.
4. You are retired- enjoy it.
5. You get a lot of favors and free stuff. People come by and ask you what they can do. Use them.
My
prayers are going out for both Chris and Pete - and especially their
families. Whenever I start bitching about the temporal crap I might be
going through, be sure to give me a swift kick in the ass and remind me
about these two incredibly remarkable men. I'm a better person because
of my friendship with them
January 28, 2008
Well, I made it through my first week at the gym. I actually worked out four times last week, and hit it yesterday and today, so I'm pretty pleased with myself. (Check back in a couple of months and see if I'm still posting ANYTHING about working out...)
I did learn one important safety tip by watching one of the classes:
Don't Swallow Your Gum
Okay - a few more, just to clean out the files...
How about a picture of my bathroom?
Seen at a rock concert: 
January 27, 2008
Movie Review - "There Will Be Blood"
Okay, first of all, let me set the record straight: Luis and I wanted to see "Michael Clayton," but it was sold out. So we decided to succumb to BFF Donna's whining and go see "There Will Be Blood."
That
being said, let’s be heretics. Every movie critic and film buff has
been gushing about how this is a cinematic masterpiece. It’s been
nominated for (and will probably win) a buttload of Oscars (in a moment
of hopeful insanity, I bet Donna eleven bucks that Daniel Day Lewis
wouldn’t win Best Actor). Well children, here’s a truth I hold to be
self-evident – this movie sucked out loud.
Based on Upton Sinclair’s 1927 novel, “Oil!”, TWBB features a long-in-the-tooth Daniel Day Lewis
(man, he’s aged a LOT since “The Last of the Mohicans”) as a
pissed-off, piss-drunk, constipated gold miner who stumbles upon a rich
oil field, and becomes a self-proclaimed “Oil Man.” This movie is just
the sort of retro-style crap the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and
Sciences uses to make itself feel better every few years.
Three
things jump out about “There Will Be Blood”: first, it’s consistent.
Not once does this movie deviate from its basic downer premise: in the
sun-baked California desert, a sepia-toned, murderous douchebag
swindles God-fearing idiots, abandons his son, rapes the land, pollutes
the air, has a lifelong feud with the emo kid from “Little Miss Sunshine,” and challenges his own liver to a death match.
Secondly, it’s long. My mail piled up while I was in the theater. Don’t believe the rumors of cut scenes; director (Paul Thomas Anderson)
used every bit of footage he shot and (apparently) let his actors do
whatever the hell they wanted. It was long, and boring. Not since (the
three-minute longer) “The English Patient”
have I ever had the palpable feeling that somebody was actually
bringing new reels of film in to the projection booth while I was
watching the movie.
It
was also loud. The “music” was no more than irritating noise - a
bizarre soundtrack reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard while biting
into aluminum foil. What WAS that crap?
Luis, who every so often comes up with quotable gems, said it best: “There Will Be Blood. Too bad there won’t be a refund.”
To hell with the refund. I want that 158 minutes of my life back.
January 26, 2008
January 24, 2008
January 23, 2008
Movie Review - "The Bucket List"
"...a guy's chick flick"
C’mon,
how can you miss? Jack Nicholson AND Morgan Freeman? With Rob Reiner
directing? This movie would’ve had to work hard to have been bad.
Nicholson
plays Earl Cole, an obscenely wealthy cynic who owns a chain of
hospitals whose motto is, “two beds to every room, no exceptions.” The
rule backfires on him when he’s diagnosed with terminal cancer and has
to share his digs with Carter Chambers (Freeman), an auto mechanic
given to philosophical musing who, annoyingly, aces every question on
“Jeopardy.” Cole’s only visitor is his personal assistant (an
absolutely brilliant and understated Sean Hayes), while Carter has his
entire family there to support him. So which of these two is the richer
man?
Realizing
that their time is limited, these two coots decide to go out in style
and develop a list of things they want to do before they kick the
bucket (“Bucket List,” get it?).
These
two actors are smack dab in the middle of their comfort zone in this
film. Nicholson is the cranky, self-absorbed hedonist who prefers the
company of women young enough to be his granddaughters. Freeman is the
dignified family man (and, incidentally, the narrator of the film, all
the better to display those rich, sonorous pipes of his).
The
acting here is effortless and the chemistry couldn’t be more perfect.
Even the ending (which, granted, might be a little contrived) works
well. This is truly a guy’s chick flick that shouldn’t be missed.
Oh, by the way, bring a handkerchief.
January 22, 2008
FAITH:
January 21, 2008
Well, in order to come into some sort of compliance with New Year's Resolution #1, I joined a health club yesterday. We did a complete workout and now I feel like I'm just approaching 90 years of age.
We also had Jack's "iron Chef" birthday party yesterday. CALORIES of fun
Both of the kids made a new year's resolution to become vegetarians. William is sticking with it, but I think Jack is wavering. We'll see...
January 20, 2008
Happy Birthday, Jack! Dude! You're a TEENAGER! (Wait, this now means that I have two teenage boys living in my house. Anybody know if I can get an instruction manual or something over at Borders?"
Anyway, we had the annual Benihana's fete last night. 
Jack blowing out the birthday... drink...
Then, the bugs thought it would be just a heap of fun to give me a present. Something I've always wanted, too...
January 19, 2008
Star Trek XI Teaser Trailer
and Nerd Test
Okay - the only reason I'm posting this is because it serves a more important purpose: A nerd test. Based on your reaction to watching this low-quality YouTube embed, you can find out just how much of a nerd you are. Here’s how it breaks down.
You:
Are Not A Nerd: You watched about twenty seconds of it, realized it was super low quality, then turned it off.
Are A Low-Level Nerd: You watched the whole thing, and when the voice over said “Space. The final frontier,” you had a tingly feeling in your stomach, similar to the one you feel when you watch the preview of what’s going to happen on the next “Lost.”
Wear-a-Headset-When-You-Play-Role-Playing-Games Level Nerd: You watched the whole thing, got excited at the voice over, then looked online for a better version of the trailer. When you couldn’t find one, you tried to find information about what movie that trailer was going to play before.
Comic-Book Level Nerd: Watched the whole thing, excited at the voice over, but then instead of searching for a higher resolution version, you called a friend who you KNEW would know whether or not there was one.
Have-Never-Had-Sex-and-Can’t-Foresee-a-Scenario-in-Which-You -Ever-Would Level Nerd: You received a call from a friend asking you whether or not there was a higher resolution version of this trailer.
January 18, 2008
Rules Kids Won't Learn in School
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $80,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have access to the company jet, either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.
Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Britney Spears and Guitar Hero all weekend.
Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. In fact, we all could.
Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.
You're welcome.
January 17, 2008
Write-Your-Own Caption Contest
I couldn't think of a caption for this one, so I'm opening it up to you guys. First Prize is a year's subscription to Skip's House of Chaos. Second Prize is a TWO year subscription (I know, old joke. Deal with it)
Anyway - here we go. Send your caption contributions to me
January 16, 2008
10,000 hits. Cool.
Hooked on Phonics
"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!" and so it does ...
Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it grand?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
but sometimes they don’t make sense
refrigerator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
but sometimes they don’t make sense
refrigerator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
January 12, 2008
Now THIS is funny...
In a groundbreaking announcement from the scientific community today, it was revealed that water has been discovered on Mars
January 10, 2008
Here's an idea...
I'm going to get so much flak for the next couple of pictures...
Well, I guess that answers that...
Yeah, but did you LAUGH?
January 8, 2008
Happy 73rd birthday, Elvis!
Some interesting comparisons
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)
Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."(Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.
Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.
Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
The Muppets - Great Moments in Elvis History
I went to high school with this Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist (David Horsey). His dad was the band and orchestra teacher, and I played the trombone. (And when I say "played," I mean "sucked at")
In other political news, candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him.
As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.
- Conan O'Brien
January 7, 2008
* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
* If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome
ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: You can
immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and
top a ball halfway there.
* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
* The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination
of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate
for all of your many other errors.
* If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
* Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
* It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
* Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
* It's not a gimme if you're still away.
* The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large
tree
* There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
* You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
* If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.