skiptucker2 - SHOC, August

September 30, 2007

Movie Review: "Mr. Woodcock"

Stifler and his Mom - "Are you a good witch? Or a bad witch?"

All I could think of was, “They got my $11. They got my $11…”

Now, going in, you know that with a title like “Mr. Woodcock,” (“Woodcock! Get it? They said 'Woodcock!'”), this probably is not going to be one of the movies nominated for an academy award. But hey, there are two Oscar-winning actors heading this up – Billy Bob Thornton and Susan Sarandon. After watching this movie, all I can say is that they must have pictures of each of them doing unspeakable things in order to get them to sign off on this 87-minute abortion.

Seann William Scott (Stifler from the “American Pie” trilogy) is John Farley, the former fat kid who was mercilessly abused by a sadistic gym teacher (Tony Gasparovich springs to mind). Flash forward 20 years, and the kid has lost the baby fat, found his inner strength, and has become an author of a best-selling self-help book. When he travels back to his home town (to receive, as God is my witness, the Corn Cob Key), he finds out his mother is dating his old nemesis. For a self-help guru who counsels others to “let go of their past,” Scott comes across as a constipated, whiny little bitch.

There are a couple of funny lines (e.g. Woodcock telling John, “You must like getting spanked, Farley. I guess it runs in the family.”), but not nearly enough to make up for this poorly-thought out, frustratingly underwritten waste of time. This movie stinks worse than a three-week old jockstrap.

But that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.

September 28, 2007

1001 Reasons Why You Should Want to Be My Friend

September 26, 2007

I'm on my way out of the coal mines of far western Virginia - Wise, Virginia - ever heard of it? Me, neither. But after this, I thought I'd better scoot back to California...

September 25, 2007

Reason #1005 Why It's More Fun to Be a Guy

September 23, 2007

My buddy, Dr. Donna, is shooting an industrial video (no, not that kind) this afternoon, so the bugs and I are going to go watch the process and see how they do it. Should be fun. She played "Loretta" in the George Clooney movie, "Out of Sight" (she was the bank teller he robbed. Can't frakkin' understand why she didn't win an Oscar for that).

Then tomorrow it's off to Norton, VA to do a seminar for a coal mining company. As near as I can tell, Norton's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. I didn't want to gripe too much, because Karrass has a new complaint procedure.

September 21, 2007

September 20, 2007

Well, I'm officially burned out on "Talk Like a Pirate Day." I'm glad it happens only once a year.

Arrrr.

"Beauty and the Beast" update!

...Breaking News...

Well, the kids got their roles for their next musical. William is Gaston and Jack landed Cogsworth. Should be a hoot - the performances are going to be in November

More updates (and pictures) to come ...

September 19, 2007

TODAY'S THE DAY, ME HEARTIES!

It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day! See how far THIS will be gettin' ye in the worplace!

Okay, to get ye in the spirit of things:

What is good training for a pirate?
ARRRRrrrmy training!

What does a pirate put under his username?
An AVATAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

What is a pirate's favorite mythological tale?
Jason and the ARRrrrrrgonauts!

Two Pirates on a ship, one says "Arrr!"
The other says "Aye, matey. I was just thinkin' the same thing"

Why did the pirate go on vacation?
He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

What do pirates and gangsters have in common?
They both say "Yo Ho"!

What's the pirate's wife's name?
Peggy!

A pirate with an eye patch seemed down at the local pub. The bartender asked, "What's wrong?" The pirate replied, "Arrrgh, they wanted me to be a teacher... but I only had one pupil!"

What are pirates part of?
Avast conspiracy

September 17, 2007

A Powerful Performance

So I'm in a hotel bed in Milpitas, CA early this morning at about 2. I was half-dreaming and wondering if there was any poem that had Dick Van Dyke’s name in it. I have no idea why. Anyway, this just came to me:

I’d really like
To be Dick Van Dyke.
The reasons here are four:
Fame, prestige, a lot of cash,
And knowing Mary Tyler Moore.

September 15, 2007

Eat your heart out Evel Kneivel!

September 14, 2007

(Pssst... International "Talk Like a Pirate Day" is coming... pass it on!)

Pet Rules

o be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About My Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

September 13, 2007

September 12, 2007

Nothing much to report on - still in Calgary, but back late tonight (just in time, too...since it's supposed to get down near freezing here this evening).

Musical Categories

JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.
RAP: People talking when they should be singing
CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND: 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC: OK, as long as it's not the house next door.

September 9, 2007

Big day today, since we've got to kick in to high gear for school tomorrow (the first day was Friday, but you can't really count that). First stop was the refurbished Griffith Observatory.

This place is awesome. The only downside to it is that you can no longer park there... you have to park at the LA Zoo and get shuttled up. Incredible new stuff, including a brand new planetarium, the "Leonard Nimoy Event Horizon Theater," "The Big Picture" - tons of new things, plus all the old standards from the original observatory.

But the fun didn't end there, no Siree Bob. We figured this was going to be our swan song for the year as far as boogie boarding, so we spent the second half of the day at Santa Monica Beach.

So it's back to school for the bugs tomorrow, and I head off to Calgary for a couple of days.

September 6, 2007

Okay, I promised...

Movie Review: "Balls of Fury"

A parody of the 70’s-style Kung Fu movies (replace “Ping Pong” for “Kung Fu”), “Balls of Fury” is a mildly entertaining bit of fluff, and you find yourself chuckling from time to time at the antics of an inept FBI agent (George Lopez) convincing a washed-up former Ping Pong protégé (Dan Fogler) to train to enter a Triad-sponsored tournament. A few humorous bits at least keep you relatively amused.

Until Christopher Walken shows up.

Christopher Walken STEALS this movie. It’s like he’s Christopher Walken doing Kevin Pollack doing Christopher Walken. He’s totally in on all the jokes that are done about him (could you imagine William Shatner trying this?). The sight of Christopher Walken playing a Chinese Triad warlord singing karaoke to Def Leppard was worth the price of admission.

Maggie Q, last seen as the badass Mai Lihn in “Live Free or Die Hard,” this time is a badass Ping Pong coach, the daughter of the blind Master Wong (James Hong). I’m not usually one to throw stones, but Dan Fogler is pretty much a pig, and when he and Maggie started playing tonsil hockey, I think I threw up in the back of my mouth a little bit.

But I couldn’t just walk out, because – hey – Christopher Walken, right?

Some other pretty good names showed up here. Thomas Lennon (“Reno 911”) was the hyper East German nemesis Karl Wolfschtagg, and Deidrich Bader (“The Drew Carey Show,” “Napoleon Dynamite”) had a ball as Gary the Love Slave.

Don’t ask.

September 5, 2007

Saw a couple of movies in the last two days - "Balls of Fury" and "The Invasion." I feel a review or two bubbling up...

While You Were Out...

September 4, 2007

Fun with Dry Ice

Hey - we were bored

September 2, 2007

The Dentist

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted. The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out."

August 30, 2007

PICABO STREET

Picabo The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones, however. It apparently caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

“Picabo, ICU. “

August 27, 2007

This has been around forever, but it STILL makes me laugh

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So
is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in
an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a
liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
sing the blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)

Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"

GOOD / BETTER / BAD:

OPENING LINE-
Good: "Got me a woman..."
Better: "Woke up this mornin'..."
Bad: "Sunshine...on my shoulder..."

GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION-
Good: Chicago
Better: St. Louis or Kansas City
Bad: Martha's Vineyard

BUILDING-
Good: Cheap hotel
Better: Shotgun shack
Bad: Symphony Hall

MISFORTUNE-
Good: "...down n' out"
Better: "...old lady done me wrong"
Bad: "...HMO don't cover hair plugs"

WOMAN'S NAME-
Good: Sadie
Better: Bessie
Bad: Sierra

CAR-
Good: Chevy
Better: Cadillac
Bad: Daihatsu

OTHER TRANSPORTATION-
Good: Greyhound bus
Better: southbound train
Bad: Vanpool

ACTIVITY-
Good: "Jus' walkin'"
Better: "Fixin' to Die"
Bad: "Readin' the Wall Street Journal"

FOOD-
Good: Biscuits n' gravy
Better: Ribs
Bad: PowerBar

DRINK-
Good: Sloe gin
Better: Straight whiskey
Bad: Frappucino

CRIME YOU'RE GUILTY OF-
Good: Fightin' in the strrets again
Better: Shooting a man in Memphis
Bad: Greenpeace demonstration gone wrong

KIND OF BLUES YOU GOT:
Good: Woman-done-leff-agin
Better: two-ain't-too-many-women-for-me
Bad: Levis 501

FINANCIAL STATUS:
Good: Broke
Better: Flat Broke
Bad: DINK (Double Income, No Kids)

WHERE YOU SPENT YOUR LAST FIVE DOLLARS:
Good: Two packs of cigarettes, and a cup of joe
Better: On a two-dollar woman
Bad: Amortized 401k

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN YOU GOT:
Good: long-legged
Better: cold-hearted
Bad: hairy-chested

KIND OF MAN I AM:
Good: Hard-headed
Better: hard-drinkin'
Bad: Vaguely effemminate

HOW SHE DONE ME WRONG:
Good: left me 'lone
Better: took the money and run
Bad: quit weight watchers

WHAT I MIGHT AS WELL DO:
Good: roll over and die
Better: keep playing these blues 'till I die
Bad: try to resuscitate that man in Memphis, 'fore he dies

CAUSE OF DEATH-
Good: Stabbed in the back by jealous lover
Better: Electric chair after shooting a man in Memphis
Bad: Silicon breast implant rupture

August 26, 2007

Well here's something you don't see every day, Chauncey - we had a film crew at our house today. They were shooting a scene for an industrial video.

They were only there for about an hour, then we took Anna T. (Jack's best friend) boogie boarding at Santa Monica Beach. Magnificent waves today, by the way... Anna's dad picked her up later, I dropped the bugs off at their mom's and jetted up to the action-packed megalopolis of Sunnyvale, California. I'm teaching a seminar tomorrow and Tuesday, then I fly back, pick the boys up again, then fly up to Seattle on Wednesday morning to get in a visit my mom and sisters before school starts.

August 23, 2007

Those wacky folks at Beloit College do this every year. This will make you feel old, even if you aren’t.

Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.

Others?

1. What Berlin wall?

2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.

3. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.

4. They never “rolled down” a car window.

5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.

6. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.

7. They have grown up with bottled water.

8. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.

9. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.

10. Pete Rose has never played baseball.

11. Rap music has always been mainstream.

12. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!

13. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.

14. Music has always been “unplugged.”

15. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.

16. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.

17. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.

18. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.

19. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.

20. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.

21. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.

22. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

23. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.

24. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.

25. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.

26. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.

27. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.

28. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”

29. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.

30. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.

31. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.

32. They grew up in Wayne’s World.

33. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.

34. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”

35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.

36. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.

37. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.

38. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.

39. Fox has always been a major network.

I feel so old….

August 22, 2007

What a difference a flash makes in a picture

August 21, 2007

If Trekkies Ruled the World...

August 20, 2007

Brain Teaser

There are the names of 16 books of the Bible mentioned in the paragraph below. See how many you can find. (A minister found 15 books in 20 minutes. But it took him weeks to find the sixteenth one. Let's see how much time it takes you.)

I once made a remark about the hidden book of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts...and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the name of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally stuck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, there really are sixteen names of the Bible in this paragraph.

Escape Attempt

August 17, 2007

Happy Friday!

My sister (Melody) sent me this:

Whatever obstacles you face today, I hope they can be solved this easily!

Amen.

August 14, 2007

Stuff from the YADA production of "Fiddler on the Roof." Can you say, "Proud daddy?" (Sure, I knew you could)

August 13, 2007

Great day yesterday - "Rush Hour 3," then Tally's Burbank Shakespeare-in-the-park production of "As You Like It" (Dani took a buttload of pictures which can be viewed here) then (up until about 2 this morning) watching the Perseid Meteor Shower with Donna and Luis (well, we had to drive about 45 miles north to see anything... but it was SPECTACULAR!)

And, so that we don't get too highbrow...

August 30, 2007

PICABO STREET

“Picabo, ICU. “

August 27, 2007

This has been around forever, but it STILL makes me laugh

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

    1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
       stick something nasty in the next line.

         I got a good woman-
         with the meanest dog in town.

    3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
       Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

         Got a good woman
         with the meanest dog in town.
         He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
         and he weighs about 500 pounds.

    4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

    5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
       transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
       plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
       adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
       a man in Memphis.

    7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
       Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
       Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
       the blues.

    8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
         a.      violet
         b.      beige
         c.      mauve

    9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
       lighting is wrong.

   10. Good places for the Blues:
         a.      the highway
         b.      the jailhouse
         c.      the empty bed

       Bad places:
         a.      Ashrams
         b.      Gallery openings
         c.      weekend in the Hamptons

   11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
       happen to be an old black man.

   12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

       Yes, if:
         a.      your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
         b.      you're blind
         c.      you shot a man in Memphis.
         d.      you can't be satisfied.

       No, if:
         a.      you were once blind but now can see.
         b.      you're deaf
         c.      you have a trust fund.

   13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

   14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
       Other blues beverages are:
         a.      wine
         b.      Irish whiskey
         c.      muddy water

       Blues beverages are NOT:
         a.      Any mixed drink
         b.      Any wine kosher for Passover
         c.      Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

   15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
       Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So
       is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in
       an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a
       liposuction treatment.

   16. Some Blues names for Women
         a.      Sadie
         b.      Big Mama
         c.      Bessie

   17. Some Blues Names for Men
         a.      Joe
         b.      Willie
         c.      Little Willie
         d.      Lightning

       Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
       sing the blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.

17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
         a.      Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
         b.      First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
                 Kiwi)
         c.      Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
                 etc.)

Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone:     "I didn't wake up this morning"

GOOD / BETTER / BAD:

August 26, 2007

Well here's something you don't see every day, Chauncey - we had a film crew at our house today. They were shooting a scene for an industrial video.

August 23, 2007

Those wacky folks at Beloit College do this every year. This will make you feel old, even if you aren’t.

Others?

August 22, 2007

What a difference a flash makes in a picture

August 21, 2007

If Trekkies Ruled the World...

August 20, 2007

Brain Teaser

Escape Attempt

August 17, 2007

Happy Friday!

My sister (Melody) sent me this:

Whatever obstacles you face today, I hope they can be solved this easily!

Amen.

August 14, 2007

Stuff from the YADA production of "Fiddler on the Roof." Can you say, "Proud daddy?" (Sure, I knew you could)

August 13, 2007

And, so that we don't get too highbrow...

August 11, 2007

"Stardust" Movie Review

Huge-budget, packed with special effects, “Stardust” hurtled into theaters this weekend. Based on the novel of the same name by Neil Gaiman, the movie begins a few hundred years ago in the sleepy English village of Wall, named for the cobblestone wall that has kept the villagers safely apart from the supernatural parallel universe on the opposite side. The protagonist is all-thumbs Tristran Thorne (Charlie Cox), who makes a wild promise to the village's shallowest, prettiest girl (Sienna Miller), whose heart he hopes to win, that he will bring her back a fallen star to prove his devotion.

The aforementioned fallen star turns out to be Yvaine (Claire Danes), the damsel in distress who is being pursued by not only Tristran, but a 400 year-old evil witch (Michelle Pfeiffer, who hams it up gloriously) on behalf of her and her two sisters who need Yvaine’s heart to secure everlasting youth and beauty. She’s also on the run from the scheming heir-to-the-throne Septimus (Mark Strong), who needs her to secure his place as the new king.

As Tristran sets out to protect the star and bring her back to his beloved on the other side of the wall, his journey forces him to battle with an eccentric pirate captain (an absolutely fabulous Robert De Niro) and a shady trader (Ricky Gervais – why don’t we see more of this guy?). The film progresses through the scope of Tristran’s coming-of-age – from haplessness to heroism.

I thought I was going to be disappointed by this one. It looked like it would be really bad or really good. I was expecting the former, but was delighted when it turned out the latter.

August 10, 2007

"Fiddler on the Roof" is coming together. The performances are next Tuesday (8/14) at 5 and 7. Expect lots O'pictures. Here's a shot of Will as Tevye at today's rehearsal (taken with his camera phone):

August 9, 2007

Skipnote: This may be a repost, but it still makes me laugh, so deal with it)

RUNE SORE BEES

Language proficiency is part of the international contracting scene. This exchange between an English-speaking traveler and a member of the hotel staff in a Far East hotel was recorded in the "Far-East Economic Review".

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
HG: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?
HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
HG: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
HG: What?
RS: Santos. July Santos?
HG: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
RS: No. Judo one toes?
HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one
toes" means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we
bother?
HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English
muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
HG: I feel terrible about this but...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome,
tossy
cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
HG: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.
HG: You're welcome.

August 7, 2007

The F-Word

While I have been certainly known, from time to time, to employ this particular expression in some of my more colorful diatribes, I would say that I use it less regularly than, say, a sailor, longshoreman or your average New Yorker. I'm becoming more and more inclined to use the more socially acceptable "frak" (and its derivatives) popularized by Sci-Fi Channel's new incarnation of Battlestar Galactica (as in "...frakkin' Dualla").

There are, however, times when the F-word is not only appropriate to the situation, but in many cases, absolutely mandatory. As in the following:

August 6, 2007

News Flash:

Democrats Bend Over (Again) for Bush

From the Washington Post:

The Senate bowed to White House pressure last night and passed a Republican plan for overhauling the federal government’s terrorist surveillance laws, approving changes that would temporarily give U.S. spy agencies expanded power to eavesdrop on foreign suspects without a court order.
The 60 to 28 vote, which was quickly denounced by civil rights and privacy advocates, came after Democrats in the House failed to win support for more modest changes that would have required closer court supervision of government surveillance. Earlier in the day, President Bush threatened to hold Congress in session into its scheduled summer recess if it did not approve the changes he wanted.
The legislation, which is expected to go before the House today, would expand the government’s authority to intercept without a court order the phone calls and e-mails of people in the United States who are communicating with people overseas.

Here are the Democrats who voted for the bill (all Republicans voted for it):

Evan Bayh (Indiana); Tom Carper (Delaware); Bob Casey (Pennsylvania); Kent Conrad (North Dakota); Dianne Feinstein (California); Daniel Inouye (Hawai‘i); Amy Klobuchar (Minnesota); Nancy Mary Landrieu (Louisiana); Blanche Lincoln (Arkansas); Claire McCaskill (Missouri); Barbara Mikulski (Maryland); Bill Nelson (Florida); Ben Nelson (Nebraska); Mark Pryor (Arkansas); Ken Salazar (Colorado); Jim Webb (Virginia).
Senators Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Christopher Dodd and Barack Obama all opposed the bill, as did 23 other Democrats and Bernie Sanders, the independent from Vermont. Joe Lieberman voted …well, you know how he voted.

In a related story:

An archeological team, digging in the Washington DC area, has uncovered bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first politician

August 4, 2007

The United Countries of Baseball

This map (from Flickr) is apparently on a wall at the Niketown store in San Francisco's Union Square.

I've always felt that the game of baseball was inherently unfair, for three reasons:
• It’s essentially a game that is nine against one
• The entire other team knows exactly where the batter is going after he hits the ball – he HAS to run to first base, and,
• They make him DROP THE BAT!!

I think if they really wanted to make baseball exciting, they’d let the batter go to any base he wants to, and carry that damn bat with him!

August 3, 2007

Man Stares Death in the Face and SMILES!

Basic Rules of Aviation

1. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

2. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

14. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

15. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

16. There are three things which are of absolutely no use whatsoever to the pilot:

a) Runway behind you,

b) Altitude above you, and

c) Fuel in the truck

August 2, 2007

The date's set for the kid's production of Fiddler on the Roof - Tuesday, August 14. Two performances, at 5 and at 7, and you can bet your sweet anatevka that I'm going to be at both of 'em. I was able to sneak in to the rehearsal this afternoon and catch this - sorry for the crappy picture. I had to shoot it without a flash.

SHOC, August - September 2007