SHOC, Old and Busted:
January-April 2007
SHOC, Old and Busted:
January-April 2007
April 30, 2007
William has informed me that he has
approximately two years, 1 month and 22 days until he's eligible for
his Learner's Permit (Oh, Lord)... (and Jack is only 13 months behind
him) so, in view of that, I thought the following Driving Test Flowchart might come in handy
April 27, 2007
Man,
I'm pooped. End of a week on the road, and I'm flying home tonight. I'm
more tired than I usually am. (I wonder why that is?) Anyway, this
picture captures how I feel right about now. It's entitled "Which Way
is Up?" (Hint: rotate the picture 180 degrees)
April 25, 2007
This is NOT an animated picture
April 24, 2007
http://www.wisegeek.com/how-can-i-make-my-offline-life-easier.htm
Most
of us are already hip-deep in online efficiency tools like shared
calendars, code libraries, and rss feeds; here are 30 simple ways that
you can make your life (the real one) easier:
At Home
* Synchronize recurring events. This can be done annually, monthly, or
even weekly. As an example, there are many household tasks that really
only need to be done annually. Make it easy to remember when they need
to be done by doing them all on the same day. The switch to daylight
savings time is a good time to check batteries in smoke detectors,
clean screens and windows, change air filters, clean fireplaces, etc.
You can do the same with your car, by checking your tires, wiper fluid,
battery, etc., every time you get an oil change. Sacrificing one day a
month to do household chores like laundry, cleaning, and gardening can
relieve the burden of having those things hang over your head and
follow you around during the rest of the month.
* Re-key your
locks. This is a fantastic way to cut down on the number of keys you
have to lug around. One visit to a locksmith can put all of your home
access points on a single key, and usually for a very reasonable price.
Though you can’t do this with cars or office buildings because you need
to be able to bring the lock to the locksmith, this can still reduce
the number of keys you carry around significantly. Some padlocks allow
for re-keying as well.
* Scatter lots of cheap pens and
pencils. Distribute them all over your home and workplace. It's a great
idea to do the same with note pads, sticky notes, or note cards. This
is especially easy if you find yourself attending conferences often,
because you can pick up lots of the freebees and promotional pens and
paper. If you tend to have high standards for your writing implement,
go ahead and stock the nice pens, too, but this way you’ll never be
frantically looking for something to write on and with.
* Hoard
stamps. It's true that snail mail is becoming less and less important,
but every once in a while, you do need a stamp. In fact, it's probably
because you don’t use them that often that they're hard to keep track
of. Instead of buying a couple stamps at a time, buy a whole book or a
roll to keep around. Now that the USPS is selling forever stamps, you
can buy as many as you want at the current price, and they will always
have enough value for a first class mailing.
* Get a toolbox.
One box, many tools. Stock it with the basics: screwdrivers of
different sizes, a hammer, picture hangers, pliers, electrical tape,
light bulbs, etc. Screws fall out all the time, the world is an
imperfect place, but if you keep these things handy you won't have to
wait for a repairman or a visit to the hardware store to get things
fixed.
* Make complete sets of spare keys. Make three extra
copies of each of your essential keys (or single key - see "re-key your
locks" above). One copy should stay in your home for guests, or as your
own backup, one set should go to a trusted neighbor, and a third should
go to a friend or family member who lives nearby. This way, you can be
certain that lost or misplaced keys will not cause too much of a
disruption to your day.
* Keep your essentials in one place.
Set a specific location and container where you can deposit your keys,
phone, wallet, purse, etc., when you get home. Ideally, this would be
near the door and in a high-traffic area, such as a hallway. Once you
get in the habit of depositing these items in the same place, you'll
get very used to finding them right where you left them!
*
Check your snail mail once a week. Or, only as often as you need to so
that the mailbox doesn’t overfill. Since most mail is junk anyway, feel
free to let it sit in your mailbox for a couple of days instead of on
your counter or table top.
* Get and use a DVR. There are two
ways that this will make your life easier, and that’s before we even
talk about fast forwarding through commercials. First of all, recording
the shows you love will help ensure that you don’t waste time flipping
through mediocre TV. You get to watch what you want, and you never risk
settling for reruns of Flavor of Love. Better still, a DVR can be a
great time management tool. You can decide to only watch shows that you
have chosen, and when you’ve seen them, stop watching. Once you get
used to this, you'd be amazed how easy it is to turn off the TV when
you actually have to sit through a commercial to see the
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
March 24, 2007
The Translator
(Politically incorrect, but funny as hell!)
March 20, 2007
Since I'm stuck at Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix for three hours, I figure I'll update the site a bit.
We'll start with the Childish Joke of the Week:
Who's there?
I've done up
I've done up who?
Eeeew
And, for today's political humor,
I'm sorry, but what an embarassment this guy has become to all of us.
Let's see... what else? Off to Memphis and then Miami next week, to train Toto and Bootsie. This is Toto...
...and here's Bootsie:
Wish 'em luck. They're gonna NEED it!
Finally,
"The Evolution of Man and Woman" (obviously drawn by a woman)
(you may need to click on it to get it to work)
March 16, 2007
To God, from the Dog
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: I will try to do better so I can go to heaven. I promise...
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . . .
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
March 15, 2007
March 13, 2007
March 12, 2007
Back from the UK. Man. it's really changed since the 60's
March 10, 2007
I am totally digging this iChat video feature. I'm in London and the boys are in LA, and we're able to talk, face-to-face, for FREE (well, less the £10 per day that the hotel charges for internet service).
March 9, 2007
I had to look at this for a bit before I got it. Behold, the "Natural Blonde"
March 5, 2007
I'm off to England today (for a week), so postings might be a bit
spotty. To help you understand the people of the British Isles, you
might want to check out Britain for Americans (I'm cheating - this is the first entry on this week's Website Wednesday).
March 2, 2007
ASK CALVIN'S DAD
Calvin's dad answering questions, quoted from various Calvin and Hobbes books by Bill Watterson.
Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day,
so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and
sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.
Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's
just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn
color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a
while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?
Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to
California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if
you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't
take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only
works if you're going west.
Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow
your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop
around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.
Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and
behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the
money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.
Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.
Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.
Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.
March 1, 2007
This is hysterical (courtesy of The Stephanie Miller Show):
And this... if you're ready for it....
The World's Ugliest Dog
The owners of the other contestants in this year's World's Ugliest Dog
Contest may have thought their pooches had a chance - until they saw
Sam.
The 14-year-old pedigreed Chinese crested recently won the
Sonoma-Marin Fair contest in Petaluma for the third consecutive time,
and it's no surprise.
The tiny dog has no hair, if you don't count
the yellowish-white tuft erupting from his head. His wrinkled brown
skin is covered with splotches, a line of warts marches down his snout,
his blind eyes are an alien, milky white and a fleshy flap of skin
hangs from his withered neck. And then there's the Austin Powers teeth
that jut at odd angles from his mouth.
He's so ugly even the judges recoiled when he was placed on the judging table, said his proud owner, Susie Lockheed of Santa Barbara.
A Great Interview Question
You're driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting in the rain for the bus:
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back. However, you may never find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired had no trouble coming up with his answer.
"I would give the keys to my old friend, and let him
take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus
with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget: Think outside of the box.
February 26, 2006
War on Terror
February 25, 2007
We are truly living in the 21st Century. William and I just figured out how to videoconference. He's in his bedroom and I'm in the front room, and we're freaking out because this is so cool! We tried it earlier this week when I was in Jacksonville, but it didn't work, so we're going to take both computers into the Apple store today and see if THEY can figure it out.
Oh yeah, it's Oscar night tonight. Here's my predictions:
Actor - Forrest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND - nailed it
Actress - Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN - nailed it
Supporting Actor - Eddie Murphy - DREAMGIRLS whoops - went to Alan Arkin (who did an amazing job) for LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Supporting Actress - Jennifer Hudson - DREAMGIRLS - nailed it
Picture - THE DEPARTED - nailed it
Director - Martin Scorsese - THE DEPARTED - nailed it
Documentary Feature - AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH - nailed it
Original Screenplay - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE - nailed it
Adapted Screenplay - THE DEPARTED - nailed it
Original Song - "I Need to Wake Up" from AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH - nailed it
Okay, I don't know enough about the rest of them to make any predictions. I'd like to see "Borat" win something, but I don't think that's going to happen.
8 out of 9, troops. Not bad. Of course, if I were an Old Testament prophet, I'd have to be put to death for missing one.
They weren't real fond of movie critics in the Old Testament, apparently.
~~~~~~~
February 21, 2007
Ah, the spirit of insomnia once again rears its ugly little head. You'da thunk a 7+ hour drive back from Phoenix would've been enough to drop me off, but apparently, not tonight. Too much to think about, I guess.
I just got back from
the funeral of my Father-in-Law, and today would've been my own dad's
87th birthday. There hasn't been a day in the past ten years that I
haven't thought of him and missed him. I can still hear his voice and
see his face. Bill used to say that one of his greatest regrets was
that he never got to meet my dad. Maybe now he has.
Happy birthday, dad.
February 20, 2007
February 15, 2007
What's the first thing a blonde does after an accident?
Turn off the ignition?
NO!
Get away from the car in case it explodes?
NO!
Call 911
NO!
February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day!
February 13, 2007
Spock, you bastard.
One of my best friends lives in Australia. He's been after me for years to go on a scuba diving trip to Maldives ("The" Maldives?), but I've never been able to find the time. Then I come across the following photo. Little ducks, this is not photoshopped... it's a boat floating on the crystal clear water. I gotta get me to (the) Maldives...
February 12, 2007
Finally, the TomKat Wedding Photo EXPLAINED!
February 7, 2007
I have no shame.
February 1, 2007
The Seven Deadly Sins of Society
January 29, 2007
Rest in Peace, Admiral. You were one of a kind.
Bill Chrisman
June 28, 1932 - January 29, 2007
January 22, 2007
Okay,
so I'm heading to Canada tomorrow (Toronto, actually) to do a one-day
program on Wednesday. It's supposed to be around 22 degrees there
(Farenheit). How cold it it, really?
HOW COLD IS IT?
(An annotated thermometer)
| ||
| Temperature | Meaning | |
| 60 | Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) | |
| 50 | Miami residents turn on the heat | |
| 40 | You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming | |
| 35 | Italian cars don't start | |
| 32 | Water freezes | |
| 30 | You plan your vacation to Australia Minnesotans put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless British cars don't start Your boogers freeze | |
| 25 | Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming | |
| 20 | You can hear your breath Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South | |
| 15 | French cars don't start You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you | |
| 10 | Too cold to ski You need jumper cables to get the car going | |
| 5 | You plan your vacation in Houston American cars don't start | |
| 0 | Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate | |
| -10 | German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink | |
| -15 | You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist | |
| -20 | Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start | |
| -25 | Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going | |
| -30 | You plan a two week hot bath The Mighty Monongahela freezes Swedish cars don't start | |
| -40 | Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South | |
| -50 | Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window | |
| -80 | Hell freezes over Polar bears move south | |
January 19, 2006
Big weekend - Jack's birthday is tomorrow, so we're heading up for our first Blue Angels weekend. The boys are snowboarders, but dad is old school as a skiier. Well, kind of a skiier.
I can last about half the day before I have to cash in my chips. Too bad I'm not 19 anymore (was I cute, or what?)
Anyway, we're off to do our traditional Benihana's Birthday Bash tonight. Banzai!
January 16, 2007
72 Things You Need to Know About Fatherhood
1. Don't worry; your dad didn't know what he was doing, either.
2. No, no--not that Spock!
3. Second thought, maybe you should worry.
4. Never tell anybody that you and your wife are "trying."
(We really don't need the visual, that's why.)
5. Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.
6.
Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest,
features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current
television stars.
7. Your child, at birth, already has a deeply
complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you
are only a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride.
Then, a referee.
And finally, a bank.
8.
If you want to subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local
anesthetic, since many pediatricians don't bother to use one.
(The anesthetic is for the kid.)
9. Baby gas is lessened with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake.
(Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out, not pursed, helps.)
10. There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething.
(Nevertheless, it probably ought to stop by kindergarten.)
11.
Diaper-rash remedy: Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak
baby's bottom in tepid water with a half-cup baking soda. Then, Balmex.
Or Lotrimin. Rediaper.
12. You know how they say you'll get used to diapers? You won't. Unless you wear them a lot.
13. Forcing children to use toilets will make them dislike toilets.
Children begin using toilets when they tire of that not-so-fresh feeling.
Of course, this is long, way long, after you tire of it.
14. The start of crawling: usually begins between six months and twelve months.
Standing: usually between nine and twelve months.
Walking: between twelve and fifteen months.
The onset of the above, as with all developmental skills, is hugely variable among individual children.
15.
Avoid walkers, not only because they can be dangerous around stairs but
because they don't require a child to balance and thus retard his
walking progress.
16. Reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant.
17. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to get arrested.
18. The threat of an unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one.
19. Annals of great punishments: Hang dolly from a noose!
That was a joke, Dad, a joke.
Annals of great punishments, for real: making him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group.
You see, all great punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform.
20. Teach by example.
21. Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they're allowed to make their own mistakes in judgment.
22. Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.
23. The first time you change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's foreshadowing.
24. Children of too-strict parents are more likely to develop tics.
25.
Let them take reasonable risks: A few scrapes in the long run are
nothing compared with the scars left by hovering parents. Or tics.
In preparation for risks: a Red Cross first-aid course.
26.
The most common cause of fatal injury among kids between five and nine
involves cars, which is to say, hold their hands. And buckle them in.
27. Try to tuck them in every night, too.
28. When changing diapers, avoid baby powder, as it can irritate her lungs.
When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle.
29. It never hurts to videotape the baby-sitter.
Especially if she's hot.
30. Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.
31. Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes.
32. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.
33. Overalls are not only cute, they provide a convenient handle.
34. At a certain point, your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries, Cheerios, and hot dogs.
35. Dropping food on the floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt to annoy you.
(However, as small he or she might be, never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great distances.)
36. The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.
37. NOW, more than ever, don't move into a place without laundry facilities.
38. Children's hobbies to nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting.
39.
Beware your child's uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words,
introduce him to liquor, and give him gifts of drums, archery sets, and
possibly matches.
40. It is, of course, your natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings' offspring.
41. You are under no obligation to tell children the truth.
Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: "Oh, that tree? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course."
On the other hand, they do remember everything.
42. Sesame Street.
43. Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son's does not.
44.
Lock or no, please knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth
who is spanking his monkey will be twice as traumatic for you as it is
for him.
45. Other doors to lock: those on the liquor cabinet.
46. There is only one reason for a teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is.
47. Unfortunately, those books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women who are not your wife.
48. No matter how wealthy you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him.
Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items; teach the kid some responsibility!
49. The previous statement proving you are your parents.
Only -- hopefully -- with better fashion sense.
50. Price of a college education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000.
51. If the real response to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom."
52. DNA tests are 99.9 percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure.
53. Reason boys are better: Boys start talking later than girls.
54. Reason girls are better: Boys toilet-train later than girls.
55. The twos aren't always terrible.
Even
if they are, take heart, as kids aged three to six generally believe
their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly
like them.
How scary is that?
56. Establishing savings
accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly
deposits teaches them how to eventually become J. P. Morgan.
The above could prove useful in your dotage.
57. Corny as it sounds, that Harry Chapin guy was right.
Then again, you could argue that W. C. Fields was right, too.
58. It's never too early to begin reading to children.
59. Let them read what they enjoy.
60. Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well.
No, you cannot ask for it back.
Furthermore, you cannot steal his.
61.
Acceptable reading material: Dr. Seuss, Where the Wild Things Are,
Harold and the Purple Crayon, Curious George, and any of the following
by Roald Dahl -- James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory, and Danny the Champion of the World.
Neither of the following by Roald Dahl: Kiss, kiss or Switch Bitch.
62.
Know that by the time your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants
will be long gone, as will tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson.
Of course, by 2015, kids might very well sever arms and legs as fashion statements.
63. Some parents walk around naked in front of their children.
These parents should stop it.
64.
Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of
worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you
tell your kid he's pretty great.
65. And never raise a hand to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that.
66. The harder they play, the earlier they sleep.
67. Never turn down an invitation to play.
68. No toys that require batteries.
69. They never really outgrow the claw.
("No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means "Apply the claw, please.")
70.
All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and
triumph, promise and miracles -- particularly other people's fatherhood.
71. You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a grandfather.
72. If you're thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.
January 13, 2007
Pajama Party! Rock ON!
January 12, 2007
It's Friday. Drive safely, troops
January 9, 2006
Here's an interesting science fact I was unaware of: Scientists have shown that moon is moving away at a tiny although measurable distance from the Earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 65 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the Earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tall ones, anyway.
January 5, 2007
Kind of a bittersweet day today. Ten years ago today my dad passed away. He was a great guy... in his later years people often mistook him for the late Sen. Barry Goldwater (whaddya think?
Me and dad... a lon-n-n-n-ng time ago...
When he died, Larry Henry, the Sports Editor of the Everett (Washington) Herald ran the following story:
This fan will be sorely missed
________________________
Everything right when Bill Tucker was in the ballpark
_________________________________
It was a nightly ritual with the radio play-by-play announcer at
Everett AquaSox home games. Mark Aucutt would look out over the
stadium to see who was there. If the regular fans were in place, that
is, if Bill Tucker was standing over there in the bleachers behind
third base, Aucutt knew it was time to play ball.
He would smile to himself, take in a deep breath, and begin to speak.
Things were as they were supposed to be. The pitcher’s mound 60 feet,
6 inches from home plate. The bases 90 feet apart. The umpires
dressed in blue. The grass a healthy shade of green. The smell of
grilling hotdogs in the air. And Bill Tucker in the ballpark.
These were the absolutes of baseball.
It was like being a kid and coming come after school and knowing that
your mother was going to be there with a hug and fresh-baked cookies.
The rest of the world might be messed up, but your own little corner
was right and secure.
Bill Tucker was what was right about the
world. He always greeted you with a smile and a handshake and wanted
to know how you were doing. He was always happy, always positive, said
Susan Wade, AquaSox media relations director. You always felt better
after you talked to him.
Some of Bill’s happiest days were spend at the ballpark. Bill Tucker was a passionate baseball fan from way back.
“Let’s face it,” he once said, “I’m a baseball freak.”
As a young man, he played right field for his town team in Henry,
Tenn. They’d play every Sunday afternoon in the summer, the townfolk
gathering to watch. They were simpler times, there wan’t much to do
and baseball was king.
With Bill, it remained king for life.
He liked it, he said, because it was a “thinking man’s game.”
It was a game that fit Bill’s personality. You didn’t have to watch
every pitch. You could visit with the people sitting around you or you
could go out and have a smoke during the game, turning the
scorebook-keeping over to your wife or daughter.
That was
something Claire, Bill’s wife, had to learn: how to keep score.
Melody, the oldest daughter, knew how from, well, probably the first
time she ever went to a game with her dad, back when the Rainiers were
still in Seattle.
When the Mariners came to town in 1977,
Melody went down to greet them. She came home that day and told her
dad that the M’s had offered her a job in marketing.
“You mean in baseball?” Bill said.
“That’s right.”
Bill didn’t steer her one way or another. He just said what he always
said to his kids when they had a big decision to make: Think it over
and do what you think is right.
A few days later, Melody told her dad she was going to accept the M’s offer.
“Well,” Bill said, with a big grin, “I guess we’ve got some baseball games to go to.”
Indeed they did. Bill, Claire and Melody had season tickets for M’s
home games from 1979 until a couple of years ago. They always sat in
the same place: section 111, row 19, seats 1-3.
Bill seldom
missed a game. Because he was a mainstay, everyone in that section
knew him. And if the umpire signaled “play ball” and Bill wasn’t
there, people got concerned. But that rarely happened.
You’d
go to a Mariner game, Jackie Thomas, a season ticket holder, would
recall, and you’d look over and see Bill and you’d know that all was
well.
The first time Jackie and her husband Mark saw Bill was
in spring training, long before sojourns to Arizona for exhibition
games became the fashionable, the “in” thing to do. Back when the M’s
were a bunch of nobodies going nowhere.
Bill was sitting behind
the home plate screen holding pitcher Edwin Nunez’s baby. Something
about Bill’s body language spoke clearly to Mark Thomas. “That,” he
said, “is a nice man.”
Through the years, the Tuckers befriended dozens of Mariner wives. Bill kiddingly called them his “daughters.”
Bill’s oldest daughter Melody was as much a baseball fanatic as her
father was, and for a few years after leaving the M’s, she was the
general manager of the Everett Giants/AquaSox. You don’t think that
didn’t make dad proud.
Bill got disenchanted with the way major
league baseball was going a few years ago and started attending the
Everett team’s games instead of the M’s. It didn’t matter that the
kids were fresh out of high school and college and that they made
errors and couldn’t throw strikes. They at least tried and that was
more than Bill could say for some of the big leaguers.
Besides, it was baseball. That was all that mattered.
Bill wasn’t a boisterous fan. But if you were standing close to him
and an AquaSox player hit a long fly ball, Melody said you could hear
her father quietly willing it to get out of the ballpark.
Baseball is going through some turbulent times. It still hasn’t won
back all the fans it lost because of the players strike. But one man
who didn’t desert the game was Bill Tucker. He still listened to M’s
games on the radio and last summer when he suffered a heart attack and
was drifting in and out of consciousness, he would ask what the M’s
score was.
When Susan Wade brought a get-well card to the ballpark, dozens of fans - old and young, asked if they could sign it.
Last Sunday, Bill Tucker died. He was 77. He was a Navy man who
survived the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor, a man who spent that day
pulling survivors out of the water. “It’s something you don’t like to
think about,” he said.
Bill Tucker was a compassionate man.
Maybe you learn compassion from something like Pearl Harbor. Ernie
Lundberg, an usher at AquaSox games, remembers that when he went
through some difficult times, Bill would hear him out, give him a pat
on the back and say, “Tomorrow will be better.”
Baseball will miss Bill Tucker. Humankind will miss him even more.
Sleep well, dad. I'll see you again someday. I love you.
Your son,
Skip
January 4, 2006
It's my little sister's birthday. Happy birthday, Pep!
(That's her between me and Melody)
In her (and all you old fart's) honor(s), I present:
Oldest BabyAge: 17 months 11 days
Title: Baby August
Description: The result of the longest recorded human gestation, Baby August was the oldest newborn ever.
Oldest Human Artifact in SpaceAge: 48 years
Title: Vanguard 1
Description: Launched in 1958, the now defunct Vanguard 1 remains in orbit around Earth, making it humankind's oldest extraterrestrial junk object.
Oldest Male StripperAge: 66 years
Title: Bernie Barker
Description: Bernie was still auditioning for TV appearances last summer, albeit unsuccessfully. A former working-class, hands-dirty sort - an electrician or something - he has an interesting career history, and probably a long one.
Oldest Alive HumanAge: 122 years 164 days
Title: Jeanne Calment
Description: The usual stories of bizarre longevity tips and a sense of humour that stuck it out to the bitter end surround reports of Jeanne. Some of her jokes sound suspiciously like the onset of senility, but the same can be said of many leading stand-ups. Her prolonged attempt at immortality, lasting roughly 0.122 millennia, was said to be a personal best.
Oldest Chess PieceAge: 1541 years
Title: A Questionable Ornament
Description: Some guys found a thing and said it might be chess piece. Many others said it probably wasn't. Why did I include this?
Oldest Human Artifact to Go to SpaceAge: 4046 years
Title: A Cuneiform Tablet
Description: Not to be confused with Vanguard 1, above, this is the oldest that ever went to space and came back again. In 1989, Sonny Carter, spaceman, packed this in his space-luggage on the space shuttle Discovery and set off into space. He did so as part of NASA's "Object in Space Program". The programme was a success and the object did indeed go to space. I wish I had lived in the US so I could have contributed taxes to that one.
Oldest CakeAge: 4206 years
Title: Burial Treat
Description: The oldest cake ever found was made in ancient Egypt and allegedly "vaccuum-packed", although I feel the term is probably misleading given the technology available at the time. Anyhow, sounds tasty, and I'm sure the revered Pepionkh would have loved it had he not been already dead when it was presented to him in his grave. What a waste.
Oldest Mammoth SlaughtererAge: 1,800,000 years
Title: Caveman-type Hunter
Description: The earliest evidence of mammoth consumption was left behind by some messy, probably monkey-like humanoids in the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania. It's the kind of place that makes archeologist soil their trousers (by kneeling down to brush fossils).
Oldest Bipedal ApeAge: 6,000,000 years
Title: Orrorin
Description: The oldest discovered fossil of our upstanding ancestors, Orrorin is believed to originally have had a lower jaw. Bone analysis - or "bonalysis" - shows leg density consistent with hind-legged strolling.
Oldest Piece of EarthAge: 4,400,000,000 years
Title: Zircon Lump
Description: The oldest bit of our planet yet found. Want to know about Zircon formation? Sure you do - click the picture.
Oldest. Thing. Ever.Age: At least 4,600,000,000 years
Title: Super-Aged Rock
Description: This is what prompted the post: last week it was announced that a bit of meteorite in a lake - not itself a new discovery - was older than the solar system. And that makes it pretty old. Click the picture for the Guardian's report.
January 3, 2007
Like you didn't think of it...
January 2, 2007
Whew. Back at "work." After a long weekend at a dude ranch outside Tucson and another week dealing with family issues, I couldn't wait to get back to work so I could get some REST!
I'm
deathly allergic to horses, but thanks to the miracles of modern
medicine (purchased in Canada, I might add), I was able to get through
without any sort of anaphylactic episodes.
January 1, 2007
Happy New Year, Troops!
Just in case:
All about hangovers
Hangover 101: How to Deal With the Morning After
Head off that hangover: Tips for drinking wisely
Curing a hangover - part 1
Curing a hangover - part 2
Dr. I. M. Bibe's Anti-Hangover Tips
Hangover Helpers
How To Prevent A Hangover with Vitamins